[h=2]10 Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman[/h] 10. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past. 09. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices. 08. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet. 07. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls. 06. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home. 05. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it. 04. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away. 03. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees. 02. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day. 01. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.
[h=2]WHY IS A CHRISTMAS TREE BETTER THAN A MAN[/h] A Christmas tree is always erect. Even small ones give satisfaction. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size. A Christmas tree has cute balls. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
On Christmas Day last year I trudged across town to a patch of overgrown waste ground. It was a freezing winter’s day and everything was covered in a blanket of snow. I spent the next hour gathering twigs and little branches to take home so I could light a fire for warmth and to cook my meagre Christmas dinner. Then carrying my bundle I set off on the long journey back through the bleak streets. Stopping to rest for a moment on an ice-covered avenue my eyes were drawn to a lighted window. With my nose pressed to the glass I saw a family gathered round the table drinking mulled wine, singing festive songs, tucking in to a splendid feast with turkey, ham, roast potatoes, brussels sprouts, mince pies, trifle, pudding, and all the trimmings. Little children laughed with joy as they tore open their presents under the brightly lit tree, the blazing fire reflected in their excited eyes. Thankfully they remained unaware of my lonely presence. As I wiped a frozen tear from my cheek, my mind wandered back to that year when as a child I too had received a present. My mother's brother had come to visit us at Christmas and I stood wide eyed and expectant as walking towards me he told me to close my eyes and hold out my hand. He placed on it a single grain of rice. I replied, “Thank you... thank you... Uncle Ben”.
So its Christmas, and Santa comes sliding down the chimney with a bag full of presents, finds the tree and places the presents underneath it. As he turns around his eyes fall on the most amasing looking young woman semi reclined on the lounge sofa dressed in only a tiny little spagetti stringed negligee....Why Santa she says with a sweet voice, " dont you want to stay?" "Ho Ho Ho Santa's got to go, got to go hand out presents you know" The young damsel drops one of the little negligee straps and pleads, "please Santa please dont you want to stay?" again Santa replies, "Ho Ho Ho Santa's got to go, got to hand out all those presents you know" With that the young lady drops the second strap of her negligee, which promptly flutters down to the ground, leaving her totally exposed. She has the most delightful, delectable little pert breasts you can imagine, again she pleads...."please please Santa please stay" Santa smiles and replies "hey hey hey, Santa's got to stay, cant get up the chimney this way":biggrin:
Four blokes at a corporate networking function. The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.' The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.' The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire... He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.' The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?' One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons... What about your son?' The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.' The three friends said: 'What a shame... What a disappointment.' The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'
An old guy slips and falls outside 10 Downing Street just as David Cameron is coming out to get in his car. Cameron helps the old guy to his feet. "Thanks," he says. "If you really want to thank me," says Cameron, "Just vote for me and my party in the next election." "Listen mate," says the old guy. "I landed on my arse not my fucking head."
Right, that's it Rudolph - stealing jokes from Sickipedia is no joke, and you'll be reported to the comedy fairy - plus Santa's gonna miss your chimley this year.....
You assume a little too much good Sir. But I now suspect where my provider of the gags is sourcing them from! I've been a good boy all year. So much that Santa's going to bring me all the nice presents that he's not delivering to non believers such as the Funkster. Last Christmas I had an awful pain that stayed for 3 days. This year we're taking the mother in law back to her own house after Christmas Day lunch.
A hooker came over to my car and said," you can sleep with me for fifty quid". "Well",I replied,"I'm not really tired but I could do with the money...."
Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. She suggested I go down to the senior citizen club and hang out with people my age. So I did and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined the parachute club. She said, "Are you nuts? You're almost 65 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card. She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club." I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week.
A couple are celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary and their 60th birthdays on the same day. During the celebration, a fairy godmother appears and says that because they've been such a loving couple all those years, she will give them one wish each. The wife says she wants to travel around the world. The fairy waves her wand, and boom! The woman has a wad of tickets in her hand. Next, it is the husband's turn. He pauses for a moment, then says shyly: "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger then me." The fairy picks up her wand, and boom! He's 90.
"You're going to have cut down on those, love," I said to my wife as she puffed away. "It's never been a problem before," she snapped, "what's changed?" "Nothing, but the midwife says you should concentrate on pushing."
I was walking around John Lewis looking for a gift for my wife for Christmas when I noticed this fit blonde employee over in the perfume section, "Excuse me, love, do you mind if I have a little sniff?" I asked. "Of course not," she replied, "that's what I'm here for." "Thanks," I replied as I dropped to my knees and stuck my head up her skirt.
Q. What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve? A. They go into town, and blow a few bucks.
