(Good old Viz!) Advice for office managers: Keep the sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom drawer. That way, when she goes to get one you"ll get a great view of her arse.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.
A multi-national company held a reception to celebrate Christmas. The waiter gave each guest a glass of champagne, but on inspection, each guest noticed that their glass contained a fly. The Swede asked for new champagne in the same glass. The Englishman demanded to have new champagne in a new glass. The Finn picked out the fly out and drank the champagne. The Russian drank the champagne, fly and all. The Chinese ate the fly but left the champagne. The Israeli caught the fly and sold it to the Chinese. The Italian drank two thirds of the champagne and then demanded to have a new glass. The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish. The Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in the champagne, which he then donated to the Englishman The American sued the restaurant and claimed $50 million in compensation. The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the throat and shouted, "Now spit out all that you swallowed."
Good King Wenceslas phoned Domino's for a pizza. The salesgirl asked him, "Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?"
[h=1]Mrs. Broadchest said to her husband,....."I had the strangest dream last night. It was Christmas, and our tree was decorated with all kinds of penises. White ones, black ones, circumcised and uncircumcised, big and small. And on the top of the tree was the *perfect* penis." Mr. Broadchest said, "I bet that one was mine?" She said "Sorry, honey, it wasn't." He said, "You know, it's weird, but I had almost the same dream. A Christmas tree decorated with pussies...shaven and unshaven, thin and thick lips, scented and unscented...and the one on the top was the *perfect* pussy." She said, "I suppose that one on the top was mine?" He said, "Nope. Yours was holding up the tree!" [/h]
Some more from the Uxbridge EnglishDictionary – Pyromaniac: obsessedwith glass dishes Stylist: pig farmer’s inventory Bungee: next one after buneff Ethics: county near Suthics Hindsight: builder’s cleavage Acropolis: polite Greek haircut Splinter: Chinese 100 metre runner Lancelot: doctor working on a plague of boils Farage: garage that won’t fix French or German cars Longitude: you need to cut it up more Trifle: Yorkshire gun Twig: Yorkshire hairpiece Tamper: container for a Yorkshire picnic
I phoned my boss this morning. "I won't be in today. I'm shitting through the eye of a needle." "OK," he laughed, "Sounds like you've got that norovirus." "No," I replied, "I'm just bored and curious."
Well it was a predictable climax to the sports personality of the year. As I knocked one out to Jessica Ennis :smile:
Guys phones up work - 'Im not coming to work today as I'm sick' 'Well how sick are you?' 'Well im currently in bed with my mum and my sister'
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years." Apparently, I'm still lost... It's a man thing. ???
A man goes to see the doctor complaining his dick's gone orange. The doctor asks to see it to see what the trouble is. The man duly gets it out and sure enough, it's bright orange. The doctor's amazed by this and says he's never seen anything like it. He asks when he last had sex. "Never," says the man, "I'm a virgin and live on my own". "Does anyone else in your family have this affliction?" asks the doc. "Not that I'm aware of" replies the man. "Do you work with strong chemicals?" queries the doctor. "No, I'm unemployed". "Really," says the doctor, "what do you do all day, then?" "Oh, I sit at home all day just watching porn films and eating Cheesy Wotsits."