I used to have lots of arguments and rants with my bank manager. Since then I have managed to consolidate all my rants into one simple monthly outburst.
I’ve just seen on the BBC news that the world tongue twister champion was killed today in a tragic accident. He was run over by a red lorry. Then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry..........
Scientists have crossed a Morse Code transmitter with a senna pod. The got a dot dot dot with a very long dash.
I used to have a part time job as a waiter, the money wasn't very good, but at least it put food on the table..............
My mate was thrown out of an Apple store for farting. He said it wasn't his fault they didn't have any Windows..
A small boy has a school homework question to answer, so he asks his father "Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and realistically?" His dad thinks and then says "Right-o son, go and ask your Mother if she'd sleep with Valentino Rossi for a million quid." The boy runs off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with Valentino Rossi for a million pounds." "OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same Question." The boy runs off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said She would too!" So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Valentino Rossi for a million pounds." The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!" "Well there you have it, son," said his dad. "Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid. Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poof."
My wife read in a woman’s magazine that if she bathed in milk it would make her look young and beautiful. So she left a note for the milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on our door to clarify the point. When my wife answered the door the milkman said “I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Surely you meant 2.5 gallons?" My wife said, “No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill the bath up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again." The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" My wife replied “No, just up to my tits .......I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"
Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an old pig loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't. The aged pig was struck and killed. Donald told the driver to go up to the farmhouse, and explain to the owners what had happened. He said that he should resist any request from the farmer to pay for the animal. "You killed it, so if they have to have money, it will come out of your pocket!" Trump stayed in the car sending tweets. About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick. "What happened to you?" asked Trump. "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me." I had just stepped inside the door and said, "I'm Trumps driver, and I just killed the old pig. The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it!"
One of my mates ran the fish & chip shop at a naturist campsite. After 30 years of standing naked next to the deep fat fryer, he had frittered it all away.
A nice, well dressed respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes & said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big & he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse & pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture & replied, "Ah, you didn't tell me you had a prescription"
Just took advantage of a special offer from 'Pig Breeders Monthly' magazine. Took out a 2 year subscription and they said they will send me a free pen..
