The Pope's inauguration is on the news, it looks like people are handing their children over for him to kiss. Fuck me, that's taking a bit of a risk, isn't it?
They say, be careful what you wish for. I don't remember wishing I was married to a big, fat, ugly, moaning bitch.
Two hookers are on a street corner, one asks the other "You ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The other says "No, but I've been swung around by the tits."
My wife said, "Where've you put my anal beads?" At first I wouldn't tell her, but in the end, she dragged it out of me.
My wife came home and said, "I've just been to my weight-watchers class, how do I look?" I replied, "Are you sure you've been to weight-watchers and not pound-stretchers."
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up..... so she took them home and ate them. Two lessons here: 1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are. 2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.
My mate has just created a new foundation for battered wives. It's really thick to cover up the bruises.
My daughter ran panting into our bedroom last night, "Daddy, there's a monster under my bed!" So I said, "Any worse than what's beside me?"
Been waiting at the pub for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How longs it take to have a baby for fuck sake.
Just had my water bill of £175 drop through my letterbox. Oxfam say they can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month... Time to change my supplier I think.
Confucius say, man who goes to bed with sex problem wakes up with solution in hand I'll get me coat then!
The full secrets to a happy marriage Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, have some good food, a little wine and companionship. She goes Tuesday and I go Friday. We sleep in separate beds, hers in Watford mine in Somerset. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. I asked her where she wanted to go for our anniversary, “Somewhere I haven’t been for a long time” she said. So I suggested the kitchen. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. She has an electric blender, an electric toaster and an electric bread-maker. When she said that she had too many gadgets, but nowhere to sit down, I bought her an electric chair. Remember that marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically 100% of all divorces started with marriage. I married Miss Right, I just didn’t know her first name was always. I haven’t spoken to her for 18 months - I don’t like to interrupt her. The last time we had a fight it was my fault. She asked “what’s on the TV?” I said “Dust”. In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then, God created man and rested. Then God created woman, and since then. neither God nor man has rested. ok I really will get me coat!
Christmas Present Joke A young man called Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away. He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies dept and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers. Good old Ron sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter. Dear Sasha, I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date. All my love, Ron. P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing. Anyone seen my scarf?
