Why did the chicken cross the road? To escape the masses of Newcastle fans punching the farm animals.
My wife said she ws leaving me because I can't concentrate on anything. I said that's................ Ooooo, a squirrel !
Q: What's worse than finding a Justin Bieber CD in your brother's bedroom? A: Finding a box of tissues next to it.
50 Shades of Grey (From a Husband's point of view) The missus bought a Paperback, down Shepton Mallet way, I had a look inside her bag; T'was "fifty shades of grey". Well I just left her to it, And at ten I went to bed. An hour later she appeared; The sight filled me with dread... In her left she held a rope; And in her right a whip! She threw them down upon the floor, And then began to strip. Well fifty years or so ago; I might have had a peek; But Mabel hasn't weathered well; She's eighty four next week!! Watching Mabel bump and grind; Could not have been much grimmer. And things then went from bad to worse; She toppled off her Zimmer! She struggled back upon her feet; A couple minutes later; She put her teeth back in and said I am a dominater !! Now if you knew our Mabel, You'd see just why I spluttered, I'd spent two months in traction For the last complaint I'd uttered. She stood there nude and naked Bent forward just a bit I went to hold her, sensual like and stood on her left tit! Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out; My god what had I done!? She moaned and groaned then shouted out: "Step on the other one"!! Well readers, I can't tell no more; About what occurred that day. Suffice to say my jet black hair, Turned fifty shades of grey.
A woman is standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off. A passing tramp stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself, if you don't mind, could we have sex please?" The woman says, "No, fuck off." The tramp turns to leave and replies, "Fine, I'll just go and wait at the bottom."
I went to the doctor's today and after extensive tests they eventually told me that I had herpes. I was shocked and my first thought was to call the only girl that I had ever slept with Jenny. I rang her up and I said about the tests and how they came to the conclusion I had herpes, I told her that she should get checked as well and she said to me it's ok I already have herpes. I thought to myself phew that could have went worse
A Yorkshire man’s dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decided to have a gold statue made by a Jeweller to remember the dog by. Yorkshire man: “Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?” Jeweller: “Do you want it 18 carat?” Yorkshire man: “No I want it chewing a bone yer daft bugger!”
So much uproar and hate today for one person in a box not moving, and for once it isn't Fernando Torres.
I'm not saying my wife is fat, but when I suggested aerobics to her she thought Weetabix had brought out a new Aero flavour.
"Right class, can anybody tell me what you would use to erase a small mistake?" the teacher asked. "A rubber, Miss." replied Johnny. "Good, Johnny," smiled the proud teacher, "and for a big mistake you'd use?" "A coathanger, Miss." replied Johnny.
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be £9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual asks the waitress?" "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for a long as you live!" "That's right…Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say..
Paddy is stopped by customs at the airport, carrying two large bulky sacks over his shoulder. They search the sacks & find loads of mobile phones in them. They ask why does he have all these phones & Paddy replies, "Well, i was on me travels in America & got a call from me mate Murphy in Cork. He told me he's starting up a jazz band & asked could I bring him back 2 saxophones?"
