On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky, you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you bitch!" Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now or I'll kick your ass!" The next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging earthwards from 30,000ft the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you're a ballsy bastard!"
Inspired by Angelina Jolie's recent brave decision to have a double mastectomy, I have decided to kill myself to prevent my future death.
Being a cat owner has taught me one important lesson. If you're ever attacked by a tiger, turn on the vacuum.
I was in a bar last night when a hot blonde walked over, and whispered in my ear something about a one night stand and did i want one? But i kindly declined her offer as i already have a nice bedside table.
Life's pressures are getting tougher. Just went into a pub toilet that had a sign: "Only put toilet tissue down the toilet". So I had to shit in the sink.
Did you know that if you watch the film 127 hours backwards its an uplifting story of an amputee who finds an arm in the desert.
A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Aye, man, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle like." The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one, Gaffa." The manager groaned ..."Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?â "£124,237.64" replied the Geordie. The manager choked and exclaimed "£124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?" "Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a booat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the new 4 x 4 Mitsubishi Shogun". The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?" "Ner, nah......he came in here to buy a box of Tampax for his missus like and I said ''Well, since ya weekend's buggered, ya might as well be gan fishin..."""
I went into my local chemists for some condoms. It's run by my mate's mum, who's a snotty cow. "Can I have two dozen condoms please, Miss?" I said with my best smile. "Don't 'Miss' me, young Dave Wheeler!" she replied sternly. "Ooooh, OK!" I told her. "Better make it 25 then."
Last night, after playing his last game for Paris St Germain, David Beckham was told by Victoria, "Great! Now that you've finished playing football, you can come to all my gigs!" This morning he signed a 5 year deal with Accrington Stanley.
"Keegan questions Mancini sacking" Cant beleive every mans dream has come true. She's the sexiest woman in tv soaps and she talks football too.
You know you're getting older when you walk past a couple of priests and they don't even look at you...
A girl said to me earlier "I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man on earth" Luckily I'm not though, so I think I'm in with a chance!
My wife has told me that she has had enough of me being such a skinflint and she wants a divorce! I've managed to hire a lawyer off of eBay to represent me. And I got Sainsburys Nectar points too.
It's interesting to see the difference between UK English and American English. For example, "Biscuit" in America, means a small, soft, leavened bread and in England refers to a sweet baked treat. "Garden" in America is specifically a small area reserved for plants and flowers and in England is the entire "lawn." Or "Bummer" in America means a disappointment to society and in England means... oh, well that's the same.
