My mate said his wife was missing their teenage son after he left for university, so they bought a cat. Perfect replacement: The cat also ignores them, smashes things & brings birds home in all kinds of states at all hours of night & day.
I was in the kitchen when a flying insect came in through the window and exploded. I think it was a Jihaddy Longlegs.
My mate received a picture with a text from his wife. The text read: ‘This is what’s waiting for you at home’. He’s not sure if he’s getting lucky or if they’re having chicken for dinner...
when you are left in house and other half goes out and a few pals come round https://www.facebook.com/groups/498710137134260/permalink/1467797513558846/
My mrs went missing a week ago, the police have told me to prepare for the worst so today I’ve been down the charity shop trying to get her stuff back
You can always tell the gender of an ant by putting them in water If it sinks girl ant, if it floats buoyant
I told my new girlfriend that I want to be a millionaire like my Dad. She said, 'Wow, your dad’s a millionaire ?' I said, 'No - he wants to be.'
My mate Dave was working on a building site and the delivery driver asked him 'Why won't you sign for these elevators?' Dave said 'I'm not allowed to accept lifts from strangers'.
I went to see my doctor yesterday and after examining me he wrote me a prescription for dailysex. My wife said it’s a prescription for dyslexia.
An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Nile, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock. The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle. "What did you do that for?" asks the crocodile. The elephant answers, "That turtle was the one that bit me almost fifty years ago." The crocodile says, "And you remembered him after all these years? Boy, you sure do have a good memory." "Yep," says the elephant ... "Turtle recall."
The pilot of the cargo ship stranded in the Suez Canal has finally relented, and has phoned her husband to ask him to come & back it out for her.
