Reuter's News: John Lennon's eldest son Julian is selling several pieces of music history from his personal collection. I had a look, but the good stuff was already gone and now it's much too late for good buys.
I was in Tesco earlier, and I said to the checkout lady, "This has got today's date on it love. Can I get something knocked off?" She said, "Do you want the fucking newspaper or not?"
Newsflash: School girl's message in a bottle found after 25 years: 'Help! Please help! Jimmy Savile & Prince Andrew are approaching!'
A bloke just offered me forty grand a year to work for him at the brittle bones society… I snapped his hand off!
Someone has collapsed on the luggage carousel at Heathrow Airport... Medics at the scene report they are coming round slowly!
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. I don't understand the sudden change of heart, but who am I to ask. I'm so lucky... I mean, first I win the lottery and now this!
A man driving down a country lane ran over a cockerel. He knocked at a nearby farmhouse door and a woman answered. “‘I appear to have killed your cockerel. " He said. "I’d like to replace it." The woman replied, "Please yourself, the hens are round the back.”
In preparation for my new career as a ventriloquist, I bought a suitcase, a dummy, a stool and a glass of milk. Got all the gear.
Yesterday I went into the local police station and saw a man with 3 stripes on his arm & a trifle on his head. He was the custardy sergeant..
It’s so annoying when someone says the name of a song and it’s stuck in your head the rest of the day... Like a Rhinestone Cowboy!
Scientists say that it may be possible to live on Mars… I tried it for a month and put on two stones and now I'm diabetic!
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "How about something to eat?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "What about some peanuts?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" Frustrated, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's?"
Yesterday lunchtime I saw the miserable old woman who lives at the end of my street, in our village shop looking at the chiller cabinet. "What's your favourite type of sandwich?" I asked her “Probably cheese" she replied I said "Cheese isn't a type of sand"
My mate Dave has recently developed and launched a new fragrance for shy, introverted people…..… He’s called it "Leave me the fuh cologne!"
Prince Charles has arranged a pedicure for Prince Andrew. To see if he can stop him chasing young girls...
A penguin walked into a bar and said to the barman, "Have you seen my brother lately?" The barman replied, "I'm not sure, what does he look like?"
