Earlier this year, a group of rufty, tufty bikers were riding out when they saw a girl about to jump off the Humber Bridge . So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the Policeman who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!" While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey...why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?" So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one. After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the Policeman, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl." It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
Chris Froome has been stripped of his Tour de France title for testing positive for 4 substances that are banned in France. Toothpaste, mouthwash, soap and shampoo ..
Whenever my mate starts stuttering, I always try and lighten the mood. By pretending to scratch invisible turntables.
I was in Boots the other day, looking to buy my wife a bottle of her favourite perfume. A rather attractive young lady approached me, she was wearing a white smock and carrying a clipboard, "do you mind If I ask you a few questions ?" she said, "certainly, go ahead". "do you mind me asking what grooming products you use ?" "Facebook and Twitter of course" I replied. The local Police do not share my sense of humour either ! Roy
I was in B&Q today and a silvery haired gentleman in a black shirt and orange smock approached me and said "Do you want decking ?" I managed to get the first punch in and kick him in the nuts before making a hasty exit. You don't expect these kind of threats in a DIY store do you.
There are different ways to enjoy sex after marriage. 1) Smurf Sex: This happens during the honey-moon, you both keep it up until you're blue in your faces. 2) Kitchen Sex: This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. 3) Bedroom Sex: You've calmed down a bit, perhaps you have kids, so you got to do it in bedroom. 4) Hallway Sex: This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say: "Fuck you!" 5) Courtroom Sex: This is when you get divorced and the bitch fucks you before the judge and everyone else in court!
After drinking men talk unnecessarily, become emotional, drive badly, stop thinking & fight over nothing. Women can do all these without drinking!
The best part going to the dentist was the fact he put me to sleep before extracting my tooth. The worst part was getting back to mine and finding out my boxers were on backwards.
A guy asks the golf club professional if he could teach him how to play. The professional took him to a par 4 hole and put a ball on the tee. He then showed his pupil how to hold the club, address the ball and hit it. The pupil then takes position, addresses the ball and asks, "What do I do now?" "You hit the ball as close to the flag as possible", said the pro. That said, the pupil took an almighty swipe and the ball disappeared from sight. "Not bad", said the pro, "Let's see where it's landed". When they got to the hole, the ball was about 4 inches from the pin. "What do I do now?", asked the pupil. "Knock it into the hole", said the pro. "Why the fuck didn't you tell me to do that when I tee'd off you stupid bastard?" said the pupil.
Scientists have just discovered oil reserves in Antarctica. After the announcement David Cameron condemned the Penguins' brutal regime and called for UN action to stabilise the region.
An English guy relocates to the outback in Australia. He'd been living there a few days, when the phone rang. He answered the phone and the guy on the other end introduced himself as his neighbour, he told him he lived on a smallholding 50 miles away and would like to welcome him to Australia. The neighbour then said, "Why don't you drop by on Saturday at about 7.30 for a real Australian barbie?" "Yes, I'd like that", said the Englishman, "But what's a real Australian barbie?" The Aussie said, "Well, we eat as much as we want, drink as much of the amber brew as we want and have as much sex as we want". "The Englishman said, "Sounds great, what's the dress code?" "The Aussie said, "Wear what you like mate, there'll only be the two of us".
My wife constantly complains about my short comings... Apparently, she wants it on her tits, not in her belly button.
I always get confused between the words Mosque and Morgue. Which is stupid because I'd never be caught dead in a Mosque
Doubts have been cast over Mugabe's win at the Zimbabwe polls. Personally, I think he should be congratulated for getting 110% of the votes.
With seats at a premium at Wimbledon for the men's final, even the Royal Box had a couple of extra stools ... David Cameron and Victoria Beckham.
After the signing of One Direction's Louis Tomlinson, Doncaster Rovers' stadium is to be packed with a screaming, crying girls on match days next season. A bit like Anfield then.
