I was going to buy the new Nigella Lawson cook book for a Christmas prezzie, but the recipes are a bit short. Only a few lines on every page.
More from the Uxbridge English Dictionary: Aperitif: Dentures Bumbling: Jewellery for the buttocks Cherish: Rather like a chair Dreadlocks: Phobia of canals Dogmatic: A dog with a torque converter Erection: Japanese way of choosing a parliament Gladiator: Unrepentant cannibal Heehaw: A male prostitute Menacing: A male voice choir Pensive: Something you can write with while you are draining the veg
Tom Daley has said he would like the olympic flag tattooed on his arse. He's already made a start on the red ring.
Well... Opened the 2nd door of my advent calendar this morning - wasn't expecting Tom Daley to come out!!
Did you know that the Chinese language started out as English? Then someone told someone else and they told someone else................
After the breaking news of his death well wishers gathered outside Nelson Mandela's house singing and dancing celebrating his life. But when I did it after my mother in-law died I was a heartless cunt. [h=2][/h]
I said to my wife, "Make me a cuppa and there's a blow job in it for you." She said, "I haven't got a cock." I said, "I know, but I have."
Feeling overshadowed by the media coverage of Nelson Mandela Tom Daley has just announced he is no longer gay.
There's no hiding from facts. Although a church/mosque/synagogue* can be good camouflage. * Delete as appropriate.
It's the office Christmas party tonight, and I'm hoping it'll go better than it did last year. I certainly won't get 'mistletoe' and 'cameltoe' mixed up this time.
I was on my son's laptop when I saw a file entitled 'School Project'. Intrigued to see what he was up to these days I opened it up. I was shocked. It was full of thousands of images and videos of hardcore gay porn. I'd like to see how his headmistress is going to explain this.
I've got a tattoo on my wrist that says, "Never Lose Hope". People think it's inspiring. It's not. I'm a forgetful man with a two year old daughter called Hope.
I never wanted to believe that my mate was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I went to his place, all the signs were there.
THREE TREES AND A WOODPECKER Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into."
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the Ducati design engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
I love flying to different places all around the world. So far I've been to almost as many places as my luggage.
