i had a temp job after i left college at the CPS - they asked if i wanted to go permamnent i said yeh of course a week later i was being frog marched out the building after they found out i had a d&d conviction from a couple of years previous (apparently youre not allowed a criminal record if you want to work for a governmental dept) nearly died of embarassment there and then lol
It's not that you're not allowed to have a criminal record; it's that you're not allowed to lie about your criminal record.
pete as much as i love your incessant corrections to my posts i think you'll find in this particular instance you are incorrect, or if you are correct, it wasn't what they told me when they sacked me on the spot please take it up with the cps though as quite frankly im a long way past caring
I was working for a national chain of pawnbrokers a couple of years ago, and was visiting their Manchester branch. The manager told me that the previous month, he'd bought a Rolex President mens watch (which retailed at £22k) without box or papers, for £5k. He was sure it was genuine, and advertised it on the internet for £10k. It didn't sell, but the previous week, a dealer came into the shop, and haggled him down to £6.5k - he showed me a picture of the watch and it was a large blingy thing, the type you'd expect an overpaid footballer to wear. Anyway, after a few days the dealer called back into the shop and asked to speak to the manager. The manager told me he was sweating as he wondered if the watch was a fake after all. The dealer told him "You know that Rolex President you sold me last week ? - well, I had the serial numbers checked with Rolex. As I was passing your shop, I thought I'd just pop in and let you know what they told me. The previous original owner was Jimmy Savile"
gont know if its an anecdote more a piece of advise. dont go giving a bunch of mods on their scooters the finger, when your chains loose and yer sprockets are gubbed.
Most of my mothers side of the family live on the lovely channel island of Guernsey. It's less than 25sq miles of lovely countryside, beaches, cliff walks and two quaint towns. The perimeter road is about 25miles of a 30 mile per hour limit and I would typically visit in late October or early November. As a surprise I booked a 7pm dinner for us all at good restaurant about 10-12 mile drive (20 mins) away. Could I get the the oldies to come!.... We not going all the way over there at this time of night....it's been dark for over two hours! Meh..
Gods honest truth, the wife's doolally tap Auntie once said to us...."get yerself a dog. You'll never go mad when you've got a dog.....................'cos they talk to you"
I’ll give you an anecdote with no pretensions to it being the best ever. Some years ago I was having a long weekend in the Lake District with my wife and her best friend. We were staying in an inn, which we had visited many times before, which has a few rooms, a pub, and a dining room. The food used to be very good, though it’s gone off a bit now. Anyway, one evening we were having dinner in the dining room and there was only one other couple at an adjacent table. My job to choose the wine and I whittled the choice down to a couple of different bottles. I’d met the other couple the night before, vaguely, over coffee. They were doctors and seemed very competitive. The guy told me that his partner had been quicker than him up a fell, but that he had then wasted her on the bike. Strange relationship. I didn’t have much to say to them. We got towards the end of our meal and we’d finished our bottle. Just at that moment, the other couple who had also finished their meal, got up and left. What I noticed though, was that they had left a good third of their red wine in the bottle. What a waste! I knew that the kitchen staff would either pour it down the drain, or perhaps help themselves to finish it. I’ve been in countless restaurants where patrons haven’t finished their bottles. I also noticed that it was the bottle that I’d nearly ordered. Was it better than the one I had chosen? One way to find out. After 5 minutes, no waiting staff were around so I scooted over to their vacated table and poured myself a decent glass which I proceeded to enjoy. Very tasty. A few minutes later, the couple unexpectedly returned. WTF? You can’t have a bonk in that time, and they weren’t smokers. What had they been doing? They immediately picked up their bottle of wine and noticed that it wasn’t as full as they had left it. What are the chances of that? As if I would know how much I’d left in a bottle. They then immediately looked accusingly at us. Well, there weren’t that many explanations, if they were sure. I’d made sure to drain my glass in a hurry. I now had a couple of options. I could come clean and own up to stealing a glass, but in that case, I’d have to buy them at least a half bottle, maybe a whole one, and I didn’t like them much and that would make for a very expensive glass of wine. Or I could just brazen it out. What were they going to do, accuse me? In which case, if I decided to lie through my back teeth, they were going to look very stupid. At this point, my wife and her friend, immediately made their excuses and buggered off to leave me to face the music. I just finished my dessert in unhurried fashion, but I could feel their gaze boring into me. Naturally, they didn’t say anything, but I knew they knew. And they probably knew I knew they knew. In order to waylay any suspicion (ha!) I then had my coffee in the lounge knowing they would too. That was a long coffee. But nothing was ever said. How unlucky was that, eh? What were the chances? That’s the only time I have ever sneaked a glass of someone else’s wine, and the only time I have ever seen a couple return to a table they had left. Not something I’ll do again in a hurry. Of course, if I had actually liked them, I’d have coughed up for another bottle.
Around 1990, I used to work for ASDA , and was visiting one of the Scottish stores - the store manager told me of a female customer, who one wednesday morning, did her shopping, paid for it, then took the trolley full of food into the customer restaurant and bought herself a cooked breakfast. She was half way through the breakfast, when she suddenly stood up screaming, and ran out of the store, leaving her shopping behind. As she fled shrieking, the security guard watched where she went, and she ran across the car park, jumped into a car and roared away. The store management went to her table, to see if they could find a reason for her rapid departure, and to put her shopping in a safe place. They were stood looking at her table, when a live maggot fell from the ceiling and landed by her plate, where a couple more were already wriggling. They lifted the ceiling panel and found a decomposing dead rat. The customer never returned, no-one claimed her shopping, and nothing more was ever heard of the incident.
I had job working for Aston Martin a few years back, and a long standing customer came complaining of a brake squeale on his new Vanquish, it required one of our technicians to road test the car to establish the fault. Taking the car for a short drive he (Tech) readied himself for an emergency application of the brakes, waited for an empty road and hit the brakes very hard. Almost immediately he was aware of an object flying past his left ear at great speed and hitting the windscreen, which frightened the life out of him. After gathering his thoughts he noticed a small Jack Russell terrier crumpled up in the footwell, looking somewhat dazed cartoon style - clearly moments before it had been snoozing in the back blissfully unaware of what was to come. Car was returned all ok, with Jack Russell looking a tad put out - still makes me smile today. For all dog lovers out there, it survived no harm done!
When I worked in a newsagent as a teenager a customer phoned to ask where her copy of Psychic News was.................
I worked as a mechanic for a truck hire company in Bristol back in the 80's and as is often the case the workshop washroom/toilets were a little on the scruffy side as they were rarely cleaned. Anyway, one particular day one of the 2 toilets got blocked and then even more blocked as another load was dropped on top, it was a horrible mess. We had a lad who used to clean the trucks and persuaded him to have a go at cleaning it out, he attempted to clean a heavily soiled and blocked toilet with a proper steam cleaner, not your domestic Karcher type thing but a proper industrial diesel heated steam cleaner, anyway to cut a long story short, there was a bit of a blowback and he ended up coated with some of the contents of the toilet bowl with a clean area behind, the rest was applied to the opposite wall, window, urinals and sinks in an even layer of the contents of the toilet - think Artex but Brown. The lesson, as we were told a few days later was - Never, Ever use a Steam Cleaner to clean a toilet!
Stealing alcohol.... Do you find yourself drinking alone or soon after you wake? Alcoholics Anonymous (Great Britain) Ltd - Home
Or use a jet wash to clean a macerator, outside of course....still not a good idea....even from a long way away.
Humber airport looking at the bike mags, guy next to me scanning the shelves. He then goes to the counter and asks in a Dutch accent "do you have a copy of Sadist Monthly" Clearly I had misheard and though nothing of it. When he left empty handed the girl ran round to her colleague who was shelf filling and said "did you hear that". Three of us laughed like hell
I worked for the head office of a national undertakers for a few years. Around 1996, a lady with a terminal illness went into the Hull branch to arrange and pay for her funeral, choosing the most expensive casket, the horse-drawn glass sided hearse, a marble headstone, a newspaper obituary, and a funeral tea in an expensive local restaurant. The bill came to something like £8000, and she paid cash up front (it was a time before money-laundering regulations were so stringent). She insisted on signing a contract which stipulated that the terms/conditions could not be altered under any circumstances. She was alone, and the funeral director asked who was her next of kin? "Oh, my husband," she told him. "The only thing is, I don't want him to know anything about this, as if he found out, he'd try to cancel it and give me the cheapest funeral going"
There was a high-profile Court Martial trial for homicide in Colchester in 2006. Six defendants each with their own barristers, jury of seven officers, numerous witnesses, public gallery full of journalists. On Day 1 about two hours into trial a mobile phone rang: it was one of the journalists. Judge reminded everyone to turn off their phones in court. On Day 2 about three hours into trial another mobile phone rang: it was a defence barrister. Judge tore him off a strip, needless disruption of witness, unprofessional, must not happen again, etc. On Day 3 about one hour into trial yet another mobile phone rang: it was the judge's own phone. This is a true story, and I was there myself.
My wife's family come from Huyton, where they were brought up on a council estate alongside many mainly low income families. Across the road lived a large poor family, and over time, the children left one by one, until only one son remained - Billy, who eventually lived alone (in his 50's) and had a job on minimum wage. Billy's sister moved to the USA and became relatively successful, and once in a while, would pay for Billy to fly out there for a holiday. A few years ago, Billy was out there and mentioned that he had been invited to his mate's wedding on his return to the UK. His sister asked if he had a suit, and on learning that he didn't, she took him to an oufitters and bought him a nice suit to wear at the wedding. On his first day back in Huyton, Billy was telling another mate, Tony, about his sister's generosity, and his mate asked if he could borrow it for a christening? Billy agreed , and lent him the suit. A week later, Billy read in the paper that Tony, his mate who borrowed the suit, had died suddenly, so he went round to his house to pay his respects. Tony's sister answered the door, red-eyed, and invited Billy into the lounge, where Billy had been laid out, resplendent in a silk lined coffin, wearing Billy's one and only suit.
