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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. *Music News*

    Country singer Shania Twain has announced the birth of her son this morning.

    'Choo Choo' was born at 7am weighing 5lb 6oz.
     
    #6041 wroughtironron, Jan 16, 2017
    • Face Palm Face Palm x 2
    • Funny Funny x 2
  2. New motto for the workplace:

    There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it again.
     
    #6042 Rudolph Hart, Jan 16, 2017
    • Like Like x 1
  3. I started with nothing, and I still have most of it.
     
    #6043 Rudolph Hart, Jan 16, 2017
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
  4. A young colleague asked me for tips on married life.

    I replied, "It takes patience to listen, but it takes skill to pretend you're listening."
     
    #6044 Rudolph Hart, Jan 16, 2017
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Like Like x 1
  5. #6045 Lightning_650, Jan 17, 2017
  6. Bought the wife a matching bag and belt set for her birthday.

    She should have the vacuum cleaner working properly again soon.
     
    #6046 Rudolph Hart, Jan 17, 2017
    • Funny Funny x 1
  7. Note to the ladies - Not all men want a relationship just for sex...


    Some of us expect the ironing done too
     
    #6047 wroughtironron, Jan 17, 2017
    • Like Like x 1
  8. A female American tourist met a Scotsman one day, and as he was sporting a kilt, curiosity got the better of her and she asked him what was under it.

    "You'd better have a feel for yourself", he tells her, so she went ahead and delved in.

    "Ugghh!!" she said, "It's gruesome"

    "Aye lass," he replied happily, "It just grew some more.
     
    #6048 wroughtironron, Jan 17, 2017
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  9. My mate has named his new dogs Rolex and Timex.

    He says they are watch dogs.
     
    #6049 Rudolph Hart, Jan 17, 2017
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  10. A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all tried out for the same job as road stripers. The boss told them they would all work for three days and whoever painted the most would get the job.

    At the end of the first day, the redhead had painted 3 miles, the brunette had painted 2.5 miles and the blonde had painted 10 miles . The boss was so excited he told her to keep it up and the job was hers.

    The next day, the redhead painted 5 miles and the brunette 5.6 miles and the blonde painted only 4 miles. The boss told her not to worry, you still have a good lead.

    So, on the third day the redhead had painted 6 miles, the brunette 5 miles and the blonde only one mile. The boss was so disappointed, he asked the blonde, "What went wrong?, you were doing so well" .

    She said, "Well, that bucket of paint keeps getting further and further away."
     
    #6050 Rudolph Hart, Jan 17, 2017
    • Funny Funny x 2
  11. I've just seen a dead body in Pizza Hut covered in salami, ham and mushrooms, it looks like they topped themselves.
     
    #6051 El Toro, Jan 18, 2017
    • Funny Funny x 3
    • Like Like x 1
  12. Sky Breaking News -

    Suicidal Irishman kills his twin by mistake.
     
    #6052 wroughtironron, Jan 18, 2017
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Like Like x 1
  13. Bought the wife a little Pug dog yesterday.

    Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes, rolls of fat, bad breath & flatulence - the dog seemed to like her.
     
    #6053 Rudolph Hart, Jan 18, 2017
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Like Like x 1
  14. Today's Tip for Suicide bombers.

    If you really want to see 72 virgins, simply pop down to GAME at midnight when a new Call of Duty game comes out.
     
    #6054 wroughtironron, Jan 18, 2017
    • Funny Funny x 3
  15. Where else but Wales can you get sex, a nice warm coat AND a casserole - all from the same date?
     
    #6055 Rudolph Hart, Jan 18, 2017
    • Funny Funny x 1
  16. A wife is a bit like an old television.

    It used to look good, but now it's too big for the room, but you know you can't afford a newer model so you bang it anyway to keep it going
     
    #6056 wroughtironron, Jan 19, 2017
    • Funny Funny x 1
  17. A man was sat on a train, opposite a woman wearing a very short skirt and no underwear.

    She asked him, "Are you looking up my skirt?"

    He flushed and said, "No.."

    She replied, "I don't mind, I can make it blow you a kiss if you like?" With that, she made her jack & danny blow the man a kiss.

    "Wow, that's incredible!" He uttered.

    She said, "I can make it wink at you." And with that, she made it wink at him.

    "Brilliant!" He exclaimed.

    She then said, "Would you like to stick two fingers in it?"

    The man replied, "Don't tell me you can make it fecking whistle??!!"
     
    #6057 Rudolph Hart, Jan 19, 2017
    • Funny Funny x 2
  18. [​IMG]
     
    #6058 Lightning_650, Jan 20, 2017
    • Like Like x 1
  19. My mate got home from work today to discover his wife had left him & she took his Bob Marley collection as well as the satellite dish.

    I asked him how he was bearing up, and he said, "Miserable..........no woman no Sky."
     
    #6059 Rudolph Hart, Jan 20, 2017
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  20. A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.

    ‘Where the hell have you been all night?’ she demands.

    ‘At this fantastic new bar,’ he says.

    ‘The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works – hell, even the urinal’s gold!’

    The wife still doesn’t believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband’s story.

    ‘Is this the Golden Saloon?’ she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

    ‘Yes it is,’ bartender answers.

    ‘Do you have huge golden doors?’

    ‘Sure do.’ ‘Do you have golden floors?’

    ‘Most certainly do.’

    ‘What about golden urinals?’

    There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,

    ‘Hey, Dave, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!’
     
    #6060 wroughtironron, Jan 20, 2017
    • Funny Funny x 3
    • Like Like x 1
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