My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
I think our Local Authority has been scammed by some supplier. They've put this magic white paint around all the potholes, but they don't seem to be growing back.
Roswell Explanation Many of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, several reliable witnesses claimed that an unidentified flying object, with five aliens aboard, crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside of Roswell, New Mexico. If you do not know about this, look it up on Google. This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and the federal government. However, what you may not know, is that during the month of March, 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Condoleezza Rice, Karl Rove and Dan Quayle were all born. This is apparently what happens when aliens breed with sheep.
A guy's sitting in a bar having a drink. All of a sudden an alien sits down next to him,licks its finger and sticks it in the guys ear. he's a little annoyed, but doesn't say anything.the next thing he knows, the alien does it again. this time the guy tells him to quit. five minutes later, it happens again. this time he yells at him to stop. ten minutes later, he finds a finger in his ear. finally, he jumps up and screams, " If you don't quit I'm gonna rip your balls off!". the alien thinks about it for a second, and does it again. the guy jumps up, pulls its pants down, but there was nothing there! in frustration he asks, "How do you screw?!!" the alien smiles and sticks his finger in the guys ear.
Q. If I had a rooster and you had a donkey, and your donkey ate my rooster. What would you have? A. 2 feet of my cock in your ass.
As the manager of my local pub football team, I was less than impressed with the performance of my goalkeeper, so I decided to throw on a sub. It was a foot-long and it smacked him straight in the face.
I told my mate today that I have five penises He said 'My God, how do your pants fit you?' 'Like a glove' I replied.
"I caught my twelve year old son looking up women's skirts today." I told the barman after my second whiskey. "That's pretty normal for a twelve year old, isn't it?" he asked. "Not on eBay it isn't." I said.
I was in the pub last night when I found myself strangely drawn towards this big fat girl. At first I couldn't work out what was causing the attraction. Then I realised. Gravity.
Q. What's the difference between marmalade and jam? A. You can't marmalade your knob up your girlfriend's arse.
I was wondering why young children always point at planes with their mouths open. Then I realised it's because they are probably expecting food..
Q. What's the difference between a Walther PPK and a woman? A. You can put a silencer on the Walther.
My mate entered a masturbation competition even though he has both arms in plaster. He didn't come anywhere.
Q. You are in a room with a cabinet minister, a lion & a tiger, and you have a gun with 2 bullets. Who do you shoot? A. The cabinet minister twice.
Q. You're in a room filled with cabinet ministers, holding a submachine gun and a full clip of ammo, what do you do? A. False - fake question, the clip is actually empty and the smg is too hot to hold onto.
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off. I sat him down and said "Son, that's three schools this year. Maybe teaching isn't for you."
Q. What do you call a 400lb woman who likes to screw men and women at the same time? A. A bisexual built for two.
