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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food...

    She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
     
    #1461 Rudolph Hart, Mar 5, 2013
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  2. I think our Local Authority has been scammed by some supplier.

    They've put this magic white paint around all the potholes, but they don't seem to be growing back.
     
    #1462 El Toro, Mar 6, 2013
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  3. Roswell Explanation

    Many of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, several reliable witnesses claimed that an unidentified flying object, with five aliens aboard, crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside of Roswell, New Mexico. If you do not know about this, look it up on Google.

    This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and the federal government.

    However, what you may not know, is that during the month of March, 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Condoleezza Rice, Karl Rove and Dan Quayle were all born.

    This is apparently what happens when aliens breed with sheep.
     
    #1463 Char, Mar 6, 2013
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  4. What do you call an over-weight alien?



    Extracholesterol
     
    #1464 Char, Mar 6, 2013
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  5. A guy's sitting in a bar having a drink. All of a sudden an alien sits down next to him,licks its finger and sticks it in the guys ear. he's a little annoyed, but doesn't say anything.the next thing he knows, the alien does it again. this time the guy tells him to quit. five minutes later, it happens again. this time he yells at him to stop. ten minutes later, he finds a finger in his ear. finally, he jumps up and screams, " If you don't quit I'm gonna rip your balls off!". the alien thinks about it for a second, and does it again. the guy jumps up, pulls its pants down, but there was nothing there! in frustration he asks, "How do you screw?!!"

    the alien smiles and sticks his finger in the guys ear.
     
    #1465 Char, Mar 6, 2013
  6. Q. If I had a rooster and you had a donkey, and your donkey ate my rooster. What would you have?

    A. 2 feet of my cock in your ass.
     
    #1466 Rudolph Hart, Mar 6, 2013
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  7. As the manager of my local pub football team, I was less than impressed with the performance of my goalkeeper, so I decided to throw on a sub.


    It was a foot-long and it smacked him straight in the face.
     
    #1467 El Toro, Mar 6, 2013
  8. I told my mate today that I have five penises


    He said 'My God, how do your pants fit you?'


    'Like a glove' I replied.
     
    #1468 El Toro, Mar 6, 2013
  9. The catholic church doesn't believe in sex before marriage.


    Sex before puberty however...
     
    #1469 El Toro, Mar 6, 2013
  10. "I caught my twelve year old son looking up women's skirts today." I told the barman after my second whiskey.


    "That's pretty normal for a twelve year old, isn't it?" he asked.


    "Not on eBay it isn't." I said.
     
    #1470 El Toro, Mar 6, 2013
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  11. I was in the pub last night when I found myself strangely drawn towards this big fat girl.


    At first I couldn't work out what was causing the attraction. Then I realised. Gravity.
     
    #1471 El Toro, Mar 6, 2013
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  12. Q. What's the difference between marmalade and jam?




    A. You can't marmalade your knob up your girlfriend's arse.
     
    #1472 Rudolph Hart, Mar 6, 2013
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  13. I was wondering why young children always point at planes with their mouths open.


    Then I realised it's because they are probably expecting food..
     
    #1473 El Toro, Mar 6, 2013
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  14. Q. What's the difference between a Walther PPK and a woman?




    A. You can put a silencer on the Walther.
     
    #1474 Rudolph Hart, Mar 6, 2013
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  15. My mate entered a masturbation competition even though he has both arms in plaster.



    He didn't come anywhere.
     
    #1475 Rudolph Hart, Mar 6, 2013
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  16. Q. You are in a room with a cabinet minister, a lion & a tiger, and you have a gun with 2 bullets. Who do you shoot?


    A. The cabinet minister twice.
     
    #1476 Rudolph Hart, Mar 6, 2013
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  17. Q. You're in a room filled with cabinet ministers, holding a submachine gun and a full clip of ammo, what do you do?

    A. False - fake question, the clip is actually empty and the smg is too hot to hold onto.
     
    #1477 Loz, Mar 7, 2013
  18. My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off.

    I sat him down and said "Son, that's three schools this year. Maybe teaching isn't for you."
     
    #1478 El Toro, Mar 7, 2013
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  19. I tried some of those viagra eye drops last night..... didn't really work, just made me look hard!
     
    #1479 Phartycr0c, Mar 7, 2013
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  20. Q. What do you call a 400lb woman who likes to screw men and women at the same time?


    A. A bisexual built for two.
     
    #1480 Rudolph Hart, Mar 7, 2013
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