Apparently FIFA 13 is so realistic that if you win a trophy with Liverpool, the screen changes to black & white.
Saw a Ferrari yesterday with a notice in the back window, £150,000 or nearest offer. I offered the bloke a tenner, but I know im in with a right good chance, I live next door to him!
Apparently, during the last year there has been a fall in the number of foreign tourists visiting the UK. Some people are blaming the recession, others are blaming the weather. I blame the fact that none of the fuckers bothered going back home.
The cannibal living next door to me caught and killed a clairvoyant. He only put her in the oven for half an hour though, apparently he likes his medium rare.
After serving as co-pilots in Afghanistan, Dave & I became best friends, so I was distraught when I caught him sleeping with my wife. We can't fly together anymore if his eyesight's that fucked.
I couldn't believe it when the social services took my children into care after my wife died, saying that I couldn't cope. I never thought they would fall for it.
Greek people must feel like a tampon. They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
For a couple of months now, I've been getting to know a very friendly young lady who insists on calling me every evening for a chat. Earlier today, I plucked up the courage to ask her if I could masturbate to the sound of her sexy voice. I think that's the last I've heard of Anglian Windows.
I've just found out that my wife is having an affair with a circus strongman called "Mr. Muscle." He really does love the jobs I hate.
"Sorry, I really screwed up when I gave you all foreskins. Can you remove them ASAP please? Thanks a lot" - God
I've just started a dating agency for chickens. It's not doing very well though. its hard making hens meet.
Beyonce, Rihanna and Katy Perry sent prayers to the victims of Oklahoma. I feel like an idiot now, I only sent money.
Standing in the middle of all the destruction after a major natural disaster which took a large number of lives and saying "I just thank god that he answered my prayers and saved me" Is a bit like saying thanks to the big black man who just viciously anally raped you for pulling out and coming on your back.
