Well I’m glad I was able to meet up with my old friends from the national limbo team before this latest lockdown was announced yesterday. We go way back.
Q. Why can’t Boris Johnson make his Christmas cake until the last minute? A. He doesn’t know how many tiers it should have.
After what’s been a pretty horrible year I decided I needed to watch a “feel good film” yesterday to try and make things feel better. I found that if you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming story about a shark who gives arms and legs to disabled people.
I know a man who had an accident & who ended up losing his power of speech and both his legs. But he never makes a song & dance about it..
Not the news I wanted at Xmas.....I went to the doctors and he told me I needed a pacemaker, so now I've got this Kenyan running two metres in front of me wherever I go!
The man in the furniture shop said he could sell me a sofa that seats 5 people without any problems: Sod all use to me. Where would I find 5 people who don't have any problems?
BREAKING NEWS: The whole of Cornwall has been placed into tier 4 lockdown after hundreds of pirates returned home to Penzance to celebrate Christmas with their families. Apparently the Arrrrr rate has increased dramatically.
My mate runs a business removing moles from gardens & parks. Business has been slow, but then I told him not to advertise himself as ‘The Molester’...
I understand that if you have family round on Christmas Day, the Police can force entry to your home and make them go home. Does anyone know if this is a free service and if you have to book?
My mate Dave bought his wife Julie a telepathic abacus for Christmas. He said it’s the thought that counts.
Got sad news today. After seven years of medical training, an ex classmate has been struck off after 1 minor indiscretion. She slept with 1 of her patients & now can no longer work in the job she loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice girl, and a brilliant vet..
I got pissed in the pub on Christmas Eve, and then went straight to the midnight mass. The wife hates it when I call her that...
