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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. Michael Jackson would've had no problem with lockdown.

    He was always comfortable in bubbles.
     
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  2. Well I’m glad I was able to meet up with my old friends from the national limbo team before this latest lockdown was announced yesterday.

    We go way back.
     
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  3. Available in the shops now:

    Advent calendars with 370 doors....
     
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  4. Made me chuckle

    IMG-20201218-WA0001.jpg

    IMG-20201218-WA0001.jpg
     
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  5. We have an old wooden bust of my granny:

    It’s a nan teak...
     
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  6. Q. Why can’t Boris Johnson make his Christmas cake until the last minute?

    A. He doesn’t know how many tiers it should have.
     
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  7. After what’s been a pretty horrible year I decided I needed to watch a “feel good film” yesterday to try and make things feel better.

    I found that if you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming story about a shark who gives arms and legs to disabled people.
     
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  8. I know a man who had an accident & who ended up losing his power of speech and both his legs.

    But he never makes a song & dance about it..
     
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  9. I’ve got a feeling we’re not going to win the next Eurovision Song Contest
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
  10. Not the news I wanted at Xmas.....I went to the doctors and he told me I needed a pacemaker, so now I've got this Kenyan running two metres in front of me wherever I go!
     
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  11. The man in the furniture shop said he could sell me a sofa that seats 5 people without any problems:

    Sod all use to me. Where would I find 5 people who don't have any problems?
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
  12. BREAKING NEWS: The whole of Cornwall has been placed into tier 4 lockdown after hundreds of pirates returned home to Penzance to celebrate Christmas with their families.

    Apparently the Arrrrr rate has increased dramatically.
     
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  13. My mate runs a business removing moles from gardens & parks.

    Business has been slow, but then I told him not to advertise himself as ‘The Molester’...
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  14. I understand that if you have family round on Christmas Day, the Police can force entry to your home and make them go home.

    Does anyone know if this is a free service and if you have to book?
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  15. Q. What do you call Santa's little helpers?

    A. Subordinate Clauses.
     
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  16. My mate Dave bought his wife Julie a telepathic abacus for Christmas.

    He said it’s the thought that counts.
     
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  17. Gave the wife an empty DVD case for Christmas:

    Told her it's the best of Michael McIntyre...
     
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  18. Got sad news today. After seven years of medical training, an ex classmate has been struck off after 1 minor indiscretion. She slept with 1 of her patients & now can no longer work in the job she loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice girl, and a brilliant vet..
     
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  19. I got pissed in the pub on Christmas Eve, and then went straight to the midnight mass.

    The wife hates it when I call her that...
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Funny Funny x 1
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