Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. 8947E043-EF37-4794-954B-6709576304AF.jpeg
     
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  2. Derby County have appealed after their FA Cup exit:

    They're claiming one of the plumbers in the Chorley midfield wasn't Corgi registered...
     
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  4. The wife wants me to forecast how many cans of baked beans she needs to buy to last at least 4 months.

    I told her, that’s just Heinz sight....
     
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  5. Englishman: “That your dog?”

    Welshman: “Aye”

    Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?’

    Welshman: "Dog don’t talk.”

    Englishman: Hey dog, how’s it going?"

    Dog: “Doing all right.”

    Welshman: (look of shock)

    Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)

    Dog: “Yep.”

    Englishman: How’s he treating you?"

    Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play.”

    Welshman: (Look of total disbelief!)

    Englishman: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”

    Welshman: "Horse don’t talk.”

    Englishman: “Hey horse how’s it going?”

    Horse: “Cool.”

    Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!)

    Englishman: “Is this your owner?” (Pointing to the Welshman)

    Horse: “Yep.”

    Englishman: “How’s he treating you?”

    Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather.”

    Welshman: (Look of total amazement!)

    Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?

    Welshman: "That sheep’s a fucking liar!!
     
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  6. Apparently there's a man in the town centre selling Covid vaccinations at £2 a pop.

    Or 3 for a Pfizer...
     
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  7. Game of Top Trumps?

    F1ED5089-D3A0-44F1-9CAB-DF86C7E5D513.jpeg 71270EBB-4CA8-4A3F-8EDC-72EC0688C674.jpeg A8FED256-AC11-493B-A47C-C799216CBEC2.jpeg 3617CBCB-8D86-4680-8E91-BF3D4A01F0E6.jpeg 3786676C-4AF9-4092-AF3B-A60EA229C5A1.jpeg 9EAF0717-EC7C-4FEF-A629-4D4EE42058BA.jpeg 5327F86B-B2B4-4086-AB5E-1579ECD0668D.jpeg 8D205C92-8542-4B7E-9DCE-8F3B031F8783.jpeg 33444DA0-FB60-47F6-9C3F-47661CBCB024.jpeg 54C84175-1BA5-46F3-B100-44E5D2E807A3.jpeg
     
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  8. Just bumped into a bloke who said he was in a band called The Hinges.
    I've never heard of them, but apparently they used to support The Doors .
     
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  9. Finally the Genie said to my mate Dave “What is your final wish?”

    “I wish I were you” said Dave

    “Weurd but alrught” replied the Genue
     
    • Useful Useful x 1
  10. My mate said his son was sick all over the house after his 18th last night.

    Mind you, 18 pints is a lot in one night for a 4-year old.....
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  11. BREAKING NEWS:

    Yesterday a group of visitors were accidentally locked in a storage freezer while visiting the Colgate factory...

    Tooth company freeze a crowd.......
     
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  12. Not saying the wife is fat, but her favourite musical instrument at school was the dinner bell...
     
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  13. I accidentally added Matt Hancock as a friend on Facebook.

    Anyway long story short I've been awarded four PPE contracts.
     
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    • Agree Agree x 1
  14. NASA landed a Rover on Mars after a 293 million mile journey.

    My mate drove one during the 80s and it barely made it to Tesco...
     
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    • Agree Agree x 1
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  16. 248E3F0F-9807-4B7B-A235-97A92FF229E3.jpeg
     
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  17. My mate's 4 year old son has been learning Spanish during lockdown.

    He still can't say please though, which I think is poor for four...
     
    #8437 Rudolph Hart, Mar 5, 2021
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2021
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    • WTF WTF x 1
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  18. When I come home after a hard week at work the first thing my wife says is "take off all your clothes".

    Maybe l shouldn't have taken that job at the sewage works after all.
     
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  19. A colleague from Dijon sent me a text saying, “Fancy a chat?”

    She might be offering a French pussy....
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  20. BREAKING BUSINESS NEWS:

    Apple have reported that although their profits are down, their turnover is still good.
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
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