I was talking to my mate and he said, "Don't forget the clocks go forward this weekend." I replied, "They go forward all the time, prick!"
Just wanted everyone to know that I have been admitted to hospital and they are keeping me in. I have only gone and poisoned myself with what I thought was an onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb… They said I should be out sometime in the spring!
Just seen an article where a mother fed a family of five for a pound. She obviously didn't use a fecking gas cooker then...
The last time I was at Will Smith's house, I made a joke about the lack of alcoholic drinks… He proceeded to give me a Punch!
I was waiting outside B&Q and my friend called and asked how big the queue was... I said, "The same size as the B!"
My dad told me his password is: MickeyMinnieGoofyDonaldPlutoHueyLouieDeweyDublin. When I asked why, he said, "Because I was told my password had to contain 8 characters and at least one Capital!"
The missus said, "You know if I ever got Alzheimer's, I would go in a home rather than be a burden to you." I said, "That's the 5th time you told me that today”
I was sitting in a pizza restaurant when a couple started arguing. I don't normally take sides but they were so distracted that I took his coleslaw and her fries!
My mate Dave went to see his doctor .. “I’m worried doctor” Dave said.. “Every time I stand up I see Mickey mouse, Donald Duck and Pluto” “Nothing to worry about” said the doctor “They're just Disney spells”
The Queen controversially chose Prince Andrew, to escort her to the memorial service for The Duke of Edinburgh. Be fair. The Royals could hardly leave him behind to look after the kids.
Whilst holidaying in France, there was a group of mushrooms singing Queen covers.. I said.. You're really brilliant.. What's your band called?... Lead singer (a fun guy) replied... 'Weeee are the champignons my friend'...
Breaking : a lorry carrying a consignment of German sausages has shed its load on the M1 this morning .. A police spokesperson said that it was the wurst traffic tailback they'd ever seen...
