1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
Page 468 of 470
  1. Just seen a massive fight at a petrol station...

    15 people arrested in Total!
     
    #9341 El Toro, Mar 27, 2022
  2. I was talking to my mate and he said, "Don't forget the clocks go forward this weekend."

    I replied, "They go forward all the time, prick!"
     
    #9342 El Toro, Mar 27, 2022
    • Funny Funny x 1
  3. I need some help to build a doorway:

    That's where you come in..
     
    #9343 Rudolph Hart, Mar 27, 2022
    • Like Like x 1
  4. Just wanted everyone to know that I have been admitted to hospital and they are keeping me in.

    I have only gone and poisoned myself with what I thought was an onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb…

    They said I should be out sometime in the spring!
     
    #9344 El Toro, Mar 28, 2022
  5. Just bought a new first aid kit...

    Thought I’d treat myself.
     
    #9345 El Toro, Mar 28, 2022
    • Like Like x 1
  6. Just seen an article where a mother fed a family of five for a pound.

    She obviously didn't use a fecking gas cooker then...
     
    #9346 Rudolph Hart, Mar 28, 2022
    • Funny Funny x 1
  7. The last time I was at Will Smith's house, I made a joke about the lack of alcoholic drinks…

    He proceeded to give me a Punch!
     
    #9347 El Toro, Mar 28, 2022
    • Funny Funny x 1
  8. We're not into April yet, and already there's a little black disc in my garden.

    Is this a record?
     
    #9348 Rudolph Hart, Mar 28, 2022
  9. If they find out at work that I don't have tourette's, I'm in big trouble!
     
    #9349 El Toro, Mar 29, 2022
  10. Q. What did police find on Chris Rock's face after the Oscars ceremony?

    A. Fresh prints.
     
    #9350 Rudolph Hart, Mar 29, 2022
  11. I was waiting outside B&Q and my friend called and asked how big the queue was...

    I said, "The same size as the B!"
     
    #9351 El Toro, Mar 30, 2022
  12. My dad told me his password is: MickeyMinnieGoofyDonaldPlutoHueyLouieDeweyDublin.

    When I asked why, he said, "Because I was told my password had to contain 8 characters and at least one Capital!"
     
    #9352 El Toro, Mar 30, 2022
    • Useful Useful x 1
  13. The missus said, "You know if I ever got Alzheimer's, I would go in a home rather than be a burden to you."

    I said, "That's the 5th time you told me that today”
     
    #9353 El Toro, Mar 30, 2022
  14. I was sitting in a pizza restaurant when a couple started arguing.

    I don't normally take sides but they were so distracted that I took his coleslaw and her fries!
     
    #9354 El Toro, Mar 30, 2022
  15. My mate Dave went to see his doctor ..

    “I’m worried doctor” Dave said.. “Every time I stand up I see Mickey mouse, Donald Duck and Pluto”

    “Nothing to worry about” said the doctor “They're just Disney spells”
     
    #9355 El Toro, Mar 30, 2022
    • Like Like x 1
  16. The Queen controversially chose Prince Andrew, to escort her to the memorial service for The Duke of Edinburgh.

    Be fair. The Royals could hardly leave him behind to look after the kids.
     
    #9356 Rudolph Hart, Mar 30, 2022
    • Funny Funny x 2
  17. My second hand calculator has no multiplication symbol on it… Times are hard!
     
    #9357 El Toro, Mar 30, 2022
  18. Alec Baldwin's wife is pregnant.

    Further evidence that he doesn't fire blanks....
     
    #9358 Rudolph Hart, Mar 30, 2022
    • Funny Funny x 1
  19. Whilst holidaying in France, there was a group of mushrooms singing Queen covers..

    I said.. You're really brilliant.. What's your band called?...

    Lead singer (a fun guy) replied... 'Weeee are the champignons my friend'...
     
    #9359 El Toro, Mar 31, 2022
    • Like Like x 1
  20. Breaking : a lorry carrying a consignment of German sausages has shed its load on the M1 this morning ..

    A police spokesperson said that it was the wurst traffic tailback they'd ever seen...
     
    #9360 El Toro, Mar 31, 2022
(You must log in or sign up to post here.)
Page 468 of 470
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
Do Not Sell My Personal Information