Two old guys were chatting..... One said to the other: "My 85th Birthday was yesterday. The wife gave me an SUV". Other guy responded: "Wow, that's amazing..!!..... Imagine, an SUV..!!.. What a great gift..!" First Guy: "Yep" "Socks, underwear and viagra."
My mate told me that when he was in his teens he fell in love with a one-armed pot holer. He still carries a torch for her.
A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance. "That is a very smart dog," the man commented. "Not really," said one of the irked players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
Marriage: The process by which a man learns what a woman's ideal man is like, and just how far removed he is from that ideal.
My mate got an erection during a routine prostate examination earlier today. He tried to laugh it off, but to cut a long story short he no longer works as a GP.
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his cell phone (Thank god for mobile phones). "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons"
I walked up to a girl in the pub last night and said, "You have really fantastic nipples and an amazing pussy." "Oh really?" she laughed, "And how would you know that?" "Your boyfriend is outside having a smoke and he left his phone on the table."
Q. What's the difference between Katie Price and a Cadbury's Crème Egg? A. It costs 40p to lick out a Crème Egg.
