After spending the whole day in the garden with my dog, building him a kennel, my wife came home from work and said, "Look at his little face. He needs a bath." "Feck off," I said, "What next? A cooker and a washing machine?"
Reports released from Germany, indicate the fire that killed 14 people at a disabled workshop was caused by a gas leak. Suspiciously nobody has mentioned the word accidental.
I bumped into my old mate Kev who asked how I was keeping. I told him, "Well since my last heart attack, I'm not allowed to smoke, drink and eat fatty foods." He said, "That's tough. So what do you do now then?" "Go to church every Sunday and pray that my next heart attack kills me."
I decided to sing a song at my wife's funeral, and sure enough I had everyone in tears. It was a beautiful acapella rendition of 'Ding dong the witch is dead'.
Mitt Romney spent $800m on not becoming president of the USA. I spent 65p and got the same result, except I have a Mars Bar.
I bumped into an old mate the other day, I said "what's up with you? you look a bit miserable" he said "I've just found out I've got the big C" I said "WHAT!!!!! CANCER??" he said "no, dyslexia"
The wife was nagging again, so I escaped out to the garage. "You love that damned bike more than me, you sod!" She yelled after me. Too right, I thought. It's got a silencer...
Q. What's the difference between a Chelsea manager and Frankie Valli? A. Frankie Valli had 4 seasons.
[h=5]Walt Disney's new film "Jet Black",the non racist version of "Snow White" has been put on hold. All 7 dwarfs : Stinky,Mugger,Car Jack,Drive By,Pusher,Lazy and Wog, have refused to sing " Hi Ho" as they say they have no intentions of "going off to fucking work".[/h]
[h=5]Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm so the docs suggest the wife is over heating during sex. So Paddy gets his mate round to waft a towel on them during sex. After 20 mins of wafting,still no orgasm so his friend suggests a swap. I'll shag her and you waft the towel,within seconds Paddy's wife is screaming in pleasure and has the best orgasm ever.Paddy turns to his friend slowly and says ...." and that my old son is how you waft a fucking towel"![/h]
[h=5]A guy goes in an Adult Store in Dudley and asks for an inflatable doll. Guy behind the counter says, 'Male or female?' Customer says, 'Female.' Counter guy asks, 'Black or white?' Customer says,'White.' Counter guy asks, 'Christian or Muslim?' Customer says, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?' Counter guy says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up.[/h]
One of my mates says he suffers from xenophobia. He reckons he caught it off some damned foreigner...
Bought an Arsenal tea set for my young niece's birthday. But when she opened it she found there were no cups.