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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. After spending the whole day in the garden with my dog, building him a kennel, my wife came home from work and said,
    "Look at his little face. He needs a bath."

    "Feck off," I said, "What next? A cooker and a washing machine?"
     
    #741 Rudolph Hart, Nov 27, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  2. P.P.I. claims - Reuniting a fool and his money since 2006
     
    #742 El Toro, Nov 28, 2012
  3. Reports released from Germany, indicate the fire that killed 14 people at a disabled workshop was caused by a gas leak.

    Suspiciously nobody has mentioned the word accidental.
     
    #743 El Toro, Nov 28, 2012
  4. I bumped into my old mate Kev who asked how I was keeping. I told him, "Well since my last heart attack, I'm not allowed to smoke, drink and eat fatty foods."

    He said, "That's tough. So what do you do now then?"

    "Go to church every Sunday and pray that my next heart attack kills me."
     
    #744 El Toro, Nov 28, 2012
  5. I decided to sing a song at my wife's funeral, and sure enough I had everyone in tears.

    It was a beautiful acapella rendition of 'Ding dong the witch is dead'.
     
    #745 El Toro, Nov 28, 2012
    • Like Like x 2
  6. It's predicted that by 2025 you'll be no more than six feet away from an ex-Chelsea manager.
     
    #746 El Toro, Nov 28, 2012
  7. Mitt Romney spent $800m on not becoming president of the USA. I spent 65p and got the same result, except I have a Mars Bar.
     
    #747 El Toro, Nov 28, 2012
    • Like Like x 3
  8. I bumped into an old mate the other day, I said "what's up with you? you look a bit miserable"

    he said "I've just found out I've got the big C"

    I said "WHAT!!!!! CANCER??"

    he said "no, dyslexia"
     
    #748 Parabolica, Nov 28, 2012
    • Like Like x 3
  9. The wife was nagging again, so I escaped out to the garage. "You love that damned bike more than me, you sod!" She yelled after me.


    Too right, I thought. It's got a silencer...
     
    #749 Rudolph Hart, Nov 28, 2012
    • Like Like x 2
  10. Q. What's the difference between a Chelsea manager and Frankie Valli?

    A. Frankie Valli had 4 seasons.
     
    #750 Rudolph Hart, Nov 28, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  11. [h=5]Walt Disney's new film "Jet Black",the non racist version of "Snow White" has been put on hold. All 7 dwarfs : Stinky,Mugger,Car Jack,Drive By,Pusher,Lazy and Wog, have refused to sing " Hi Ho" as they say they have no intentions of "going off to fucking work".[/h]
     
    #751 the.kickboxer, Nov 29, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  12. [h=5]Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm so the docs suggest the wife is over heating during sex. So Paddy gets his mate round to waft a towel on them during sex. After 20 mins of wafting,still no orgasm so his friend suggests a swap. I'll shag her and you waft the towel,within seconds Paddy's wife is screaming in pleasure and has the best orgasm ever.Paddy turns to his friend slowly and says ...." and that my old son is how you waft a fucking towel"![/h]
     
    #752 the.kickboxer, Nov 29, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  13. [h=5]A guy goes in an Adult Store in Dudley and asks for an inflatable doll. Guy behind the counter says, 'Male or female?' Customer says, 'Female.' Counter guy asks, 'Black or white?' Customer says,'White.' Counter guy asks, 'Christian or Muslim?' Customer says, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?' Counter guy says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up.[/h]
     
    #753 the.kickboxer, Nov 29, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  14. One of my mates says he suffers from xenophobia.

    He reckons he caught it off some damned foreigner...
     
    #754 Rudolph Hart, Nov 29, 2012
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  15. *Rumbled* :)
     
    #755 470four, Nov 30, 2012
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 16, 2014
    • Like Like x 2
  16. Bought an Arsenal tea set for my young niece's birthday.


    But when she opened it she found there were no cups.
     
    #756 Rudolph Hart, Dec 1, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  17. [​IMG]

    :biggrin:
     
    #757 470four, Dec 2, 2012
    • Like Like x 3
  18. :upyeah:
     
    #758 El Toro, Dec 2, 2012
    • Like Like x 2
  19. I asked my diabetic friend why he doesn't inject insulin.

    He said he's not the type two.
     
    #759 Rudolph Hart, Dec 3, 2012
  20. I sometimes sleep in my wife's knickers.





    They make a great hammock.
     
    #760 Rudolph Hart, Dec 3, 2012
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