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I said to the wife this evening, "Put your coat on, love." She replied, "Ooh, are you taking me somewhere nice?" I said, "No, I'm turning the...
Just heard the old woman next door tried to commit suicide by putting her head in the gas oven. I never realised she was so wealthy.
Looking for businessmen to chip in towards payment of fines. Asking for a bloke in London....
A penguin walked into a bar and said to the barman, "Have you seen my brother lately?" The barman replied, "I'm not sure, what does he look like?"
Prince Charles has arranged a pedicure for Prince Andrew. To see if he can stop him chasing young girls...
A man was attacked by a group of mime artists yesterday. They did unspeakable things to him...
Yesterday I went into the local police station and saw a man with 3 stripes on his arm & a trifle on his head. He was the custardy sergeant..
A man driving down a country lane ran over a cockerel. He knocked at a nearby farmhouse door and a woman answered. “‘I appear to have killed...
Newsflash: School girl's message in a bottle found after 25 years: 'Help! Please help! Jimmy Savile & Prince Andrew are approaching!'
Reuter's News: John Lennon's eldest son Julian is selling several pieces of music history from his personal collection. I had a look, but the...
Metropolitan Police Chief Cressida Dick is investigating Boris Johnson. Dick investigates Cunt. Some jokes write themselves.
Q. What do you call 5 dogs with no balls? A. The Spice Girls.
My mate says he's had oral sex with women from France, Germany, Italy & Spain. He reckons he's multi-cunnilingual..
Thinking of buying a Bee Hive, four Hens and a Cockerel and putting them in the back garden. That way I'll get my Honey for nothing and my chicks...
I'm thinking of buying a lighthouse, nothing too flashy....
Numbers one to nine of the most common sports injuries are to the legs, head or back. Ten is elbow.
The wife just called to say the hazard warning lights on her car are stuck on & she doesn't know which way to turn.
I've been asked to run in a 5k race for spastics & blind kids. Definitely doing it, I could win this!
I've just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know....
The wife was parading around in her tight new leggings before going to her keep fit class. "Try to say something positive." She said. I replied,...
