One of my favourite little anecdotes is that when I was a teenager we had just moved house around the corner from where we were previously living, My Dad had promised my mum a dishwasher and after a few days of unpacking and getting sorted she sent him down the Co-Op to fetch the dishwasher....imagine the look on my mums face a couple of hours later when he came home with a brand new 350 ypvs and a pair of marigolds....legend ...
when I worked for Calderdale Council, a young lad started in the department as an "office assistant" responsible for filing and dealing with other clerical duties. After a satisfactory probationary period, the lad was sent for by the department Chief Officer, and was told that he was now "permanent", and that the Council would expect him to develop his career by further education and training courses. The Chief told him to go to the local college, and sign up for something which would benefit his career and future prospects. When the lad returned, the Chief asked him which course he had chosen , to be told "fencing".
I worked for a chain of supermarkets in the 1990's. Around 1995, they opened a small supermarket in Liverpool, and for cash in an envelope, Ken Dodd agreed to open it. He arrived in a chauffeur driven car on the morning in question, wearing an old cardigan with holes in the elbows, and was taken to the manager's office. At the appointed time, he removed the worn cardigan in the office, replaced it with a jacket, and went out to the front to cut the ribbon, thereby officially opening the store. He then left, without reclaiming his cardigan. The store manager looked at it, and threw it in the skip. Next morning, Doddy sent his chauffeur round to reclaim it.
When I worked for a supermarket chain in the 1990's, we were caught out by Trading Standards officials making a "Test Purchase" of fireworks at a branch, using a 15 year old girl - at that time you had to be 16 to purchase fireworks. The sale was witnessed by two TSOs, and was not disputed. The female cashier who sold the fieworks was supposed to verify the age of purchasers where there could be doubt about their age, but failed to do this. As a result, she was told to visit the Trading Standards Department the following week for a PACE interview (Police and Criminal Evidence) - these are undertaken when a prosecution is being considered. I contacted Trading Standards and told them that if they wanted an interview, they could attend the store - basically, I wasn't prepared to make it convenient for them but inconvenient for us, and this was agreed. I told the cashier that I would be in attendance to support her at the interview, and arranged to arrive an hour beforehand to go through the circumstances involving the sale. On the day in question, I arrived early and took the cashier into the managers office, where she confirmed that she had been trained on the sale of "age restricted" goods, and that she forgot to ask for proof of age. I asked her if she could think of any reason why, she may have forgotten to ask for proof of age? She said "Not really - the only thing I can think of, is that my estranged husband has threatened to kill me and the kids. We have a police escort when I take the kids to school and I go to work, and the police have put cctv cameras outside my house and given me emergency alarms - does that count ?" When the TSOs arrived and set up their tape recorder in the manager's office (to record the interview), I asked the cashier to tell them what she had told me. They looked at each other, then decided to switch off the recorder and abandon the interview. No further action was taken.
While serving in HM finest a few years ago, we were informed to go and clear out the Rigs, bridges, heavy plant and other stuff from a barracks in Germany. Off we totters with our heavy trucks etc and empties the place back to UK. The day arrives when the local German Council/Government come in and inspect the place prior to handover back to the Deutsch. We wanders into one of the hangers and "Hans" says, we cant take this barracks back. My boss says why not, Hans says that damaged beam in the roof space needs fixing. (Massive 30 foot long 10" thick beam) My boss says but that has probably been there since we took over the barracks after WW2, it was probably caused by a bomb failing to denote but hitting the beam and bending it so it was like that when we arrived. Hans says, NO we cannot accept it, it was caused by the RAF and should be fixed. My boss is starting to get ante at this point and says, well if you had fixed it before we got here it wouldn't be a problem. Hans smiles and walks off. End result: Two days later an agreement that it could be left in place as the Germans were demolishing the building anyway.
When I worked for the local council, I used to visit a tripe-dressers in Todmorden, which boiled cows stomachs in an old stone built single storey workshop. The contents of the stomachs were initially rinsed out into a cess-pit outside, which was 12 foot long, 8ft wide, and 5ft deep. It was usually full, and the cause of many local residents complaints of foul smells - the contents were obviously severely rancid and it was never emptied as often as it should have been. One warm summer afternoon, Jimmy (an elderly employee) fell into the cess-pit - he was quickly pulled out covered in the noxious contents, hosed down, and sent the ten miles home to Halifax by bus (he didn't drive). Apparently, by the time the bus reached Hebden Bridge (half way), three passengers had thrown up and the rest had got off due to feeling ill with the nauseous smells.
Stop me if I've told this one before. I was manning the IT Helpdesk one night on an overseas airbase. Most of the lads were on a "celebration" in the nearby town - tricky, as the country in questions doesn't like alcohol, but it can be done if you want it badly enough. I get a call at 2:30am from my mate Guy, who tells me he is outside the base but can't come in as he has left his pass and ID back at his hotel and the host nation guards won't let him in. Now bear in mind, Guy sounds totally sober when he talks, even if he is passing out drunk. I told Guy that would sort something, Guy says, nah, don't worry, he'll be all right. I asked Guy why he was back at the camp when he has a hotel room to stay in ... it's at this point I realised that he's as pissed as a fart. I phoned the team leader, Anish, to explain the circumstances, he told me he'd sort it. The next day, I get the whole story. The whole team had gotten paralytically drunk. Mike had gotten a taxi to a hotel but it was the wrong hotel and there was trouble there when he couldn't get into "his room". Guy was worse - he'd gotten so drunk that he got into a taxi and essentially passed out. Fortunately for Guy, the taxi driver was a good sort and didn't drop him at the police station - some cabbies do this because they get paid a bounty. The taxi driver instead starts driving the twenty miles from town to the airbase but part-way through, Guy wakes up and panics because the silly bastard thinks he is being kidnapped. He yells and thrashes about, taxi pulls over to side of the road, and Guy gets out, running off into the sodding desert. Taxi driver runs after him saying, "No! No! Get back in the taxi!". Guy is eventually persuaded that it isn't a kidnap and wakes up afterwards at the airbase, with all his kit and gear back at the hotel. Hence his phone call to me. An unrelated story concerns a fake time-bomb but I think I've already told that one
Way back in the 80's I was duty engineer at the factory over the weekend. We had an emergency breakdown and I needed to contact the regular electrical contractor (a guy called Paul Bird who worked for Electract in Coalville). I dialled the office, knowing full well there was little chance of an answer at that time on a Sunday. There was an answer and the converstaion went a little like... Me "Hello. Is Paul Bird around by any chance?" Guy on the other end "No. He's just gone out and will be back shortly" Me "Can you get him to ring me when he returns please?" Other Guy "Yep OK...........BTW....how did you get my number?" Me "Er...I just called the office" Other Guy " Oh...that's strange" Me "Why?" Other Guy " Because I'm Paul's Father and you've called him on my home phone" It turns out I'd completely mis-dialed (and I mean completely, not just one number out and not even a Coalville number iirc) and by total fluke got his Father who had nothing to do with Electract (other than his Son worked there). Spooky or what?
I had a weird phone call thing once. I was ringing round a group of friends to arrange a get-together. Spoke to Fredo, Paul, Bob, then Mark. I told Mark, OK I'll ring Mike next to see if he's interested. I hung up and was about to dial Mike's number but someone was somehow already on the line. Yes, it was Mike
While carrying out a field exercise called Ex. Drakes Drum in which the young officers at Sandhurst get to play soldiers in and around Salisbury/Stonehenge area. I was part of an Engineer Sqn who were tasked with making sure these fine young officers had their battlefields set up properly on a daily/nightly basis. Anyhow we were "non-tac" which means not camouflaged and our harbour area (place of rest) about a mile or so away from Stonehenge lit up like Blackpool lights. We had a rather heavy day so decided to go into Amesbury on the lash. We duly came back from town and someone had the bright idea of firing up the bulldozers, tractors etc and knock Stonehenge down. Great idea we all thought. So off we trot in our dozers. diggers, heavy rough terrain forklifts etc, no lights on and about 1/2 mile from Stonehenge come across a car on a track with the little white botty gong up and down. Now you have to imagine the noise we were creating but this couple were oblivious to it right up until we lifted the car off the ground with the forklifts and switched all the lights on. His girlfriend sat up and started screaming or looked like she was screaming, he was pissing himself laughing and so we lowered his car down, he got out realised he wasn't going to have a go, checked his car and departed the scene. We were chuckling away and someone suggested we get our heads down so we trundled off back to the harbour area and wobbed out. No damage caused to Stonehenge but I often wonder if we would still be in jail had we demolished it! Probably yes with lots of curses on us.
My mate was well-known for getting wound-up over the most trivial things.He'd go red in the face,veins bulging,when describing his latest perceived injustice,like noisy kids/council binmen/whatever. You get the picture. Anyway,back in the Eighties he was commuting nightly into London on his CB1100R. Comes out of work at midnight,bikes been pinched. Next time I see him he is apoplectic when he tells me about it. I'm not sure if it was me who suggested it,but he put an ad in MCN with reward offered for safe return of bike or info leading to/yadayada. Day of publication,his phone rings. Scally voice says,"how much is the reward for the bike"? My mate tells him.A few seconds of silence. Scally says,"you ain't getting it back for that",and puts the phone down. My mate was in bed for three days recovering
My ex-wife's elderly parents used to live 200 yards away from us, and one day their fridge failed, so they went to the local Comet store in Halifax, and ordered a new one. A couple of days later, the fridge was delivered on a Comet transit with a tail lift, taken into the kitchen, and plugged in. On opening the door, they found half a pat of lard, a used tub of margarine and a half empty bottle of cordial in the door shelving. I phoned Comet customer service and told them, and the woman suggested that I was making it up. When I told her that the Daily Express were sending a reporter round to take pictures, she changed tack, and said she would get it replaced (which it was, the same day).
