My wife said "Do you miss me when I'm not here?" "Of course I do." I replied "But I still throw the punches, in case your just invisible.".
I was watching the Ellen Degeneres Show with the wife last night. "I heard she's gay," I muttered. "That's prejudice," laughed the wife. "You shouldn't hide your sexual preferences and no one should judge you for it." "Funny you say that," I said, whistling to the dog, "Sparky & I have something to tell you."
They say that 1 in 3 people cheat in a relationship. To be honest i'm not sure if it's my wife or my girlfriend.
Justin Bieber has a pet monkey? Why do I feel that 15 years from now he'll be black and molesting children?
I don't normally keep up with the news, but can somebody please explain to me how Michael McIntyre got so pissed off that he threatened to bomb America?
My wife was in a panic earlier: "I've lost my sex tape!" she screamed. "It'll end up on You tube, I bet." "Oh my god, I'll end up getting slaughtered if anyone sees me," I said, panicking. "You're not in it, you idiot," she replied.
I was telling my mate about a girl I got pregnant after a one night stand: "It's your own fault" he said, "you shouldn't have had sex in the first place." "It wasn't my choice" I replied, "but she wouldn't have sex in the second place."
My mum walked in while I was shaving my pubes. "Fucking hell," I shouted. "You could have at least knocked!" She said, "You could have at least shaved them in the bathroom and not the kitchen."
"You fucking bastard,my sister just told me she's pregnant and that you're the father" said my upset wife. "That's impossible" I replied. "Oh so you expect me to believe you haven't slept with her?" she fumed. "No,I expect you to believe I've been using condoms."
Wife: "I think we need time apart, as you don't listen to me and only seem to hear what you want to hear these days!" Husband: "Oooh yeah, a beer and a blowjob would be great right now."
A hospital posted a notice in the nurses’ lounge that said: “Remember, the first five minutes of a human being’s life are the most dangerous.” Underneath, a nurse had written: “The last five are pretty risky, too.”
The judge sentenced me to 12life imprisonment today. Apparently, sitting on your hand for 15 minutes before shooting your wife does not mean that somebody else did it.
I was pissed off when my boss said, "I'm sorry, but I've replaced you with a computer that does everything you ever did." It wasn't even plugged in.
A motorcycle cop was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the cop kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his crotch hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence: 'Get well soon.....from the nurse in the Mazda convertible you pulled over last week...'
My wife was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder... And, just my luck, not one of them likes sucking cock.
Although Dad has Alzheimer's he still manages to entertain my kids by singing them nursery ryhmes. And give him his due, he remembers all the words to Pop goes the blacksheep.
