A dad buys a lie detecter robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?" Son says, "At school." Robot slaps the son. "Ok, I watched a dvd." "Which dvd?" "Toy story." Robot slaps the boy. "OK it was a porn movie." Cries the son. "WHAT?!! When I was your age I didn't even know what a porn movie was." Robot slaps the dad. Mum laughs, "Hahaha! He's certainly your son." Robot slaps the Mum!!
A WOMAN'S POEM: Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's rich and self-employed, And when I spend, won't be annoyed. Pull out my chair and hold my hand.. Massage my feet and help me stand. Oh send a king to make me queen A man who loves to cook and clean. I pray this man will love no other And relish visits with my mother. A MAN'S POEM: I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with Big tits who owns a bar on a golf course, And loves to send me fishing and drinking.... This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
Got off work early friday afternoon, so I decided to head down to to one of the trendy bars by the riverfront for a few drinks. I was starving so I ordered pork scratchings and a beer, nice! Anyways 4-5 ales later I'm up at the bar and the crowd is slowly rolling in. I'm fully enjoying myself just listening to the tunes. Could be the beers but they seem to be playing all my favorite music and I'm enjoying it so much I'm finding it hard not to dance too much, limiting it to a bit of a head nod, tap of the foot, ocasionally a little inconspicious air guitar. Then.... I feel it... Working its way down. The scratchings are coming back at me and I have a belly full of wind. The music's still pumping so I decide to let one go but keep in time with the music so no one will be the wiser. With the next 5 beats I manage to squeeze a HUGE fart into 5 segments, keeping in perfect beat (even I couldnt hear it). But I noticed that everybody and I mean mean EVERYBODY, within a 20ft radius is staring at me with 'that look'. And it was precisely at that moment that... I remembered I had my iPod on.....
The organizers of a street party to celebrate the death of Margaret Thatcher have been criticized by motoring organizations, as they expect all motorway links between Scotland and Wales to be closed for a week.
I hear the coal miners are celebrating Thatcher's death tonight. Enjoy the party lads. You haven't got work in the morning.
When I heard the Iron Lady had died I fucking shit myself. I thought I was going to have to press my own clothes.
St. Peter meets Margaret Thatcher at the Pearly Gates. "It is said that you were a role model to millions of women on earth," he says. "So, tell me.How did you distinguish yourself?" "Well," says Thatcher. "I took on Socialism and made it obsolete." "Not good enough," says Peter. "What else?" Thatcher says: " I won a war with Argentina." "How do these things prove your worth as a human woman?" says Peter. Thatcher says:"Well I was known as the Iron Lady" "Ah! Ironing!" says Peter. "Come on in!"
I'd jump for joy at Thatchers passing were it not for my fragile bones brought about by a lack of milk as a child.
Upon hearing the news of Thatcher's death, Iain Duncan Smith has commented that he would have survived the stroke.
So there's reports of alcohol fuelled street parties all over Glasgow celebrating Maggie Thatcher's death.. Or it could just be a Tuesday.
Considering the damage Thatcher did to the British steel industry, I'm surprised she could find a fucking bucket to kick.
