Police are searching the internet for any specific threat to Margaret Thatcher's funeral. Fucking lazy bastards, think of your own ideas.
It's not that the working classes resent paying £10m to bury Thatcher, they just resent the fact they waited until she was dead.
Ever since she turned 40, I've been looking at my wife in a new light. It's much dimmer than the old one.
The Sun reports that Arshavin costs Arsenal £7,800 a minute. Bloody London prices, I can get a whole back, sack and crack for 30 quid.
Apparently '70% of the working population will have sex with someone they work with'. I can't wait, I start my new job as a shepherd tomorrow.
One of the girls at work told me she has a sweet tooth. She freaked out a bit when I tried to lick it.
A beaver has bitten a man to death as he tried to take its picture. Enough is enough Katie Price needs locking up!
I phoned my mate to ask him what I should wear to his wife's funeral yesterday. He said, "Dress black." So I turned up in a hoody and baseball cap.
As I walked up to the door of the newsagents today I saw that the sign said 'CLOSED' "Oh, great!" I yelled, looking directly at the man behind the counter, "Can you let me out please mate?"
I host a weekly pub quiz and last week one of the questions was about Margaret Thatcher...... a few days later she died unexpectedly. What are the chances. On a completely separate note......For all of you attending the quiz this week....... We will be having a whole round on Miranda Hart.
I'm not saying my wife's fat, but I have to refer to her as 'the other 2 thirds' rather than 'the other half'
Just been playing football with my Grandad when he said, "The weather is shocking for this time of year" I said, "tell me something I don't know" He turned to me and said..'"Your gran's arse can take my whole fist"
When a girl says she has experimented with girls, that does not necessarily mean she's bisexual. She may just be an evil scientist.
Colgate created an ingenious advertising campaign to promote their dental floss, based on these images ~ Now that you have seen the images, in the first one you will now notice that she has one finger too many in her hand, in the second one a phantom arm is floating there, and in the third one the man has only one ear... The campaign attained its purpose, because it seemingly proved that food remains on your teeth draw more attention than any physical defect...
Prince William has said that he's going to name his child after Prince Phillip if it's a boy. That's ridiculous! Whoever heard of a baby called Granddad?
So North Korea have aimed a missile at Emmanuel Adebayor's house... In retaliation for his ball landing in Kim Jong Un's back garden.
