According to the Guardian, metal body parts in the UK are now being recycled after people are cremated. Meanwhile, Thatcher's heart is now a road sign that reads "No U-turns!".
I get all my tattoos done for free because I'm an identical twin.. I just send my brother back for a refund.
As chairman of the Blind Society, I was accused of needlessly wasting money. So I arranged a fireworks display to cheer everyone up.
I've recently been diagnosed with chronic depression, so I ordered some drugs off a website to see if they would help. Apparently they hadn't been fully tested, so I secretly tried them on my wife to check for any nasty side effects. Unfortunately, she died from the resulting complications. Totally cured my depression though.
In the film The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe, when the evil witch died, eternal winter ended and summer started. This weekends weather is going to be 20C. Coincidence? I think not.
I very much doubt North Korea has the abliity to launch a missle at the US. I used to have a Korean car and it couldn't make it to Tesco's
My obese wife's pussy is so fat, I had to invent a device to help me lift and spread her pussy lips apart. I call it a 'Flapjack'.
Keep you friends close but your enemies closer. Yeah, cause there's nothing better than having a couple of dick heads you can't stand standing between you and your mate while you're having a pint.
After Margaret Thatcher's funeral, you will be able to download Tony Blair's eulogy to her from the BBC iPlayer. Just look for it under 'The Blair/Witch Project'.
Some new golfing phrases: An Adolf Hitler - taking two shots in a bunker An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfect A Rodney King - over-clubbed An O.J. Simpson - somehow got away with it A Condom - safe but didn't feel real good A sister-in-law - up there, but I know that I shouldn't be A Paula Radcliffe - ugly but a good runner A Kate Moss - a bit thin Taking a Gerry Adams - hitting a provisional ball A nipple licker - a shot that opens up the hole A Maradonna - a very nasty little five footer A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't A ladyboy - Looks like an easy hole but all may not be what it seems Putting like a gynaecologist's assistant - shaving the hole
Stan Collymoore on the violence at Wembley today. "I ain't seen nothing like this for 30 years" Well Stan, I think Ulrika Johnson would beg to differ.
What do you get if you cross Alzheimers with Tourettes? I don't know you cunt, I can't fucking remember.
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th driving offence. Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Who's car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card. The driver owned the car. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver: No problem. Boot is opened; no body. Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the boot. Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are having a pint. The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best, you can buy one drink and get a second one free". The Scotsman says,"Aye, that's good but in Scotland you buy one drink and get another 2 for free." The Irishman says " Ah .. but they are not as good as the pubs in Ireland. In Ireland you buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the back room for a shag" The Englishman says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to my sister."
The entertainment world is buzzing with rumours that a scouser is to play James Bond, in 'The Man with the Stolen Gun'.
I saw an advert on the telly that said, 'No one should face cancer alone'. That got me thinking about my own wife. So I've bought her a budgie.
