There's been a fire in the tropical animal house in West Lothian zoo. Is there anything those Jocks won't deep fry?
So Tiger Woods has been given a 2 shot penalty for dropping his ball in the wrong place. He's lucky its only a 2 shot penalty, the last time he misplaced his balls so carelessly it cost him his marriage.
Q: What did Confucius say to Tiger Woods? A: He who drives well in 'fairway' does not always 'fare' well in driveway.
There are concerns regarding Prince Charles' hearing after he was invited to perform a kit inspection.
My girlfriend thinks it's hilarious that my mates call me 'Kermit'. She thinks they're implying that I'm skinny and neurotic. She doesn't know they only began calling me that when I started shagging a fat pig like her.
It's sick the way some people are cashing in on Maggie's death! Fucking corner shop's put up the prices of eggs and flour!
I was driving along a road with my wife in the passenger seat, we were not speaking because of an argument earlier. Later on we passed by a field full of pigs and cows. "Relatives of yours?", my wife asked "yup" I said, "in-laws."
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
Justin Bieber hopes Anne Frank would have been a Belieber. Fuck me, as if the poor girl didn't suffer enough.
Winning the US masters is probably Adam Scott's second greatest moment, after going down on Ana Ivanovic
I've recently been dating a girl who has just informed me that she used to be the England number one when she was younger. I think she might be a keeper.
My mate was arrested last night after he broke into a house through the bathroom window. He stood on the talking scales and gave himself a weigh.
Last Wednesday I got pissed and wandered around town for eight hours annoying people. I love my job as a Community Support Officer
Lancashire Telegraph; Farmers report record number of early-spring lambs born. Thank fuck for that. My wife wants a new sweater this year.
According to the news, Big Ben will be silenced during Baroness Thatcher's funeral... It looks like 'Ding Dong' is being censored again.
