Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and a spade.
"Are we there yet?" "Are we there yet?" "Are we there yet?" "Are we there yet?" "For fuck's sake, Dave. You really don't know where my clitoris is, do you?"
New evidence has emerged that Nicholas the Second of Russia was in fact killed when pushed down a very deep well by his enraged captors after he joked that he had seen deeper thimbles. Which proves that tsar chasm is the lowest form of pit.
The surviving Boston pressure cooker bomber has been charged with using weapons of mass destruction. Tony Blair says, "I knew we would be proved right in the end, virtually every house in Iraq had a pressure cooker."
My Irish mate who's 5"1' and ginger asked me, "Why didn't you invite me out on Sunday". I said, "I saw a rainbow and just assumed you had other plans"
I wish Luis Suarez played against Oldham in the FA Cup. Could you imagine the stick he would get from the headline, 'Suarez bites Dickov.'
What Gets Longer When Pulled? Fits Between your boobs? Inserts Neatly in a Hole? AND works best when it is jerked? A Seat belt. Hands up the perverts who had a very different answer............?
Note found on the Refrigerator One Morning : My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight. When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table: My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college and I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: - 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18. Therefore, I may not be home for a few days.........
A friend asked me to explain the meaning of the word 'dilemma'. I decided to explain by using the following example: "Imagine you are laying in a big bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay man on the other. Who are you going to turn your back on?"
My Dad says he hasn't had a wank since nineteen fifty seven. The funny bastard has just discovered the 24 hour clock.
Got talking to an old pal of mine in the the pub yesterday that I hadn't seen in years. "So How're you and Lisa doing then?" He enquired "Oh you know...We're getting by. But nothing has really been the same since the accident" "You had an accident?!" He replied, shocked. "Yeah" I replied swallowing a lump in my throat "But the wife insists I start calling it Peter"
I cant believe that my local petrol station has upped the price of the air. To pump my car tyres it has now gone from 20p to 50p... Now that's inflation.
Just found the wife in bed with her nephew's pet aardvark. Stupid bitch thought it was an aunt eater.
How many motorcyclists does it take to change a lightbulb? 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed. 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid. 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp". 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct. 19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb forum. 11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum. 5 People to post pics of their own light bulbs. 7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs. 13 to say "do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs". 1 moderator to lock the light bulb thread 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
If women are so damned good at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache & sex at the same time?
