My mate go his Rogain pills & his Viagra pills mixed up. His hair is now growing back nice & thick, but it's way too stiff to comb.
I was on a plane when a woman fell unconscious. "Is there a Doctor on board?" the cabin staff shouted. "Yes!" I said, "Carry her into the toilet so I can give her a full examination in private." At last, years of studying Philosophy pays off.
I'm worried that my son may be gay since he's started going to ballet lessons. Particularly as there are some gorgeous guys with incredible arses there.
A little boy desperately wanted £100.00 and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the £100.00. When the Royal Mail received the letter addressed to God , Great Britain, they decided to send it to David Cameron. Cameron was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a £5.00 note. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the £5.00 note and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Westminster, London and that bastard Cameron took £95.00 in taxes.
My wife said to me today, "Why don't you put our holiday photos on your facebook profile?" "I've not got the time" I replied. She said, "It only takes a few minutes to upload them". Which is true, but it takes me fucking hours with photoshop to make her not look like a fat bastard
Just seen my ex girlfriend in the supermarket. "Sarah Green," I said, "How are you?" "I'm okay," she replied. "What's that you're buying?" I asked, "Pile cream?? You have big fat piles??" She looked around, then looked back at me and said, "Dave, could you be any louder?" "I'm afraid not," I replied, "This is the loudest the tannoy can go."
My talent agent has fired me because there's no demand for hypnotist acts anymore. He'll regret that the next time he finds himself in a public toilet with any children.
an old woman was crying at the bus stop, as I walked past I asked "why are you crying??" "I'm 80 and my husband is 28, and we have sex in the morning, sex in the evening and sex in the night" "Damn lady! Why are you crying over that??" "Thats exactly why i'm crying young man, i've forgotten my fucking adress!!"
Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan Utah. I wonder if he died knowing he would win won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest? Here are his five rules for a man's happy life, as inscribed on his headstone: FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE: 1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and contributes to the finances. 2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh. 3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you. 4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you. 5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me!
Just finished working on a porn version of the life of Napoleon, where I was the sex double for the lead actor. He was Napoleon and I was the boner part.
My mate's wife came out of the bathroom & said to him, “I have just shaved my fanny, and you know what that means don't you?” He said, “Yeah, the bloody plug hole's blocked again.”
The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart: 50 Fahrenheit (10C) Californians shiver uncontrollably. Canadians plant gardens. 35 Fahrenheit (1.6C) Italian Cars won't start Canadians drive with the windows down 32 Fahrenheit (0C) American water freezes Canadian water gets thicker. 0 Fahrenheit (-17.9C) New York City landlords finally turn on the heat. Canadians have the last cookout of the season. -60 Fahrenheit (-51 C) Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door. -109.9 Fahrenheit (-78.5C) Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice. Canadians pull down their earflaps. -173 Fahrenheit (-114C) Ethyl alcohol freezes. Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg -459.67 Fahrenheit (-273.15C) Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops. Canadians start saying "Cold, eh?" -500 Fahrenheit (-295C) Hell freezes over. The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup
If Bayern Munich and Borussia Dortmund get through to the Champions League Final in May, it will be the most successful German invasion of England in over 70 years
