I stopped my car beside a prostitute last night and asked, "How much for sex?" "£40," she replied, "Do you want it, big boy?" I said, "Only if you let me slip the money into your fanny first." "Deal." she smiled. "Cool," I said, pulling out my big bag of 1p's.
I work in a department store. My boss caught me peeking over a cubicle in the changing rooms, spying on a woman in her underwear. "Gary!" he shouted. "Get down!" "It's not what it looks like," I protested. "I was about to ask if she wanted any accessories to go with her dress." "Bollocks," he replied. "Now get back to the restaurant or I'll start looking for a new chef."
My wife walked into the bathroom and said, "What the hell are you doing?" I said, "I saw a poster in the doctors waiting room that said you should check your poo for blood, as it could be an early sign of bowel cancer." She said, "Yeah, but you're supposed to check after you've had a shit, not before."
I caught my wife masturbating to a Rowan Atkinson movie the other day. I was just about to say something when I remembered, she does like a good bean flick!
A police officer stopped a blonde for speeding and asked her very nicely if he could see her licence. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my licence and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio: 1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - “This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.” 2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - “Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.” 3.. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - “And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria ..I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!” 4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - “Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.” 5. US PGA Commentator - “One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . Oh my god !! What have I just said??” 6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: “You'd eat beaver if you could get it.” 7. A female news anchorwoman from Tyne Tees who, the day after it was supposed to have nowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, “So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?” Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too because they were laughing so hard! 8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: “Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.” 9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: “There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.” 10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': “Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.” 11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: “'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.” 12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: “Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.”
The George W. Bush Library opened today in Dallas, Texas. Expect the Ray Charles Art Gallery any day now.
Just stood next to the missus and realised that she is getting shorter. It must be her medication. I think it is called dwarfarin.
A blonde heard that bathing in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again." The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes."
An 80 year old retired seaman decides to put on his old uniform and head off for the docks to reminisce for old times sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a man his age. Needing some reassurance, he asks, "How am I doing?" The prostitute replies, "Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots." "Three knots?" He asks. "What does that mean?" She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."
ZEN Teachings 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone. 2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any. 3. No one is listening until you pass wind. 4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments. 7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 8.. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it. 11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree. 13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time. 14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment. 15. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works. 17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse - then things just keep getting worse. 20. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
