Dear People of Great Britain, Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government deems appropriate. Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government... Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government has always prided itself in the amount of SHIT it gives out. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Little Johnny asked his mum what 2 words mean that kids at school were using...........Pussy and Bitch. Mum inhaled sharply, but then said: "Oh, that's easy. A pussy is a cat, like our little Chico . A bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy .." "Thanks, Mum.." He then found his Dad out in the garage. "Dad, the guys at school are using words I don't understand." "What words, son?" "Pussy and bitch. I asked Mum, but I don't think she told me the right meanings." Dad said: "Son, never ask your mother about these things, ask me instead. Let me explain it like this." He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centrefold, drew a circle around the pubic area and said: "Son, everything inside the circle is pussy." "Okay, Dad. Then what's a bitch?" Dad replied: "Everything outside the circle."
My mate's wife rang me today asking if I'd seen him. "Not since yesterday." I answered. "I knew he was lying!" she screamed, "He told me that he was at your house all night." "Erm... he... has," I replied. "Don't stick up for him! You just said that you hadn't seen him since yesterday." "Yes, well..." I paused, "...We've been playing hide and seek."
My wife's turning into a right lazy slob. Lately, every time I go for a piss, the sink's full of washing up.
I remember at school, to prepare me for work in later life, I was sent on work experience at a department store for two weeks. The scouse lad in our class got a fortnight at home doing fuck all and watching TV.
My wife chucked me out after I told her my sexual fantasy was to tittyfuck Jordan. It sounds harsh, but Jordan is the fat lad from next door.
Liverpool fans have resorted to praying to God for help next season and amazingly God has answered them, He's underlined the eighth commandment.
After the wife had parked the car in town, I got on the phone. "Who are you calling?" She asked. "A taxi" I replied "You can fuck right off if you think I'm walking to the kerb from here!"
"IT'S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT'S A BOY" And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel.
We were watching countdown when my girlfriend broke the news to me that she had Aids. Ha! I had mermaids.
Drones over Afghanistan can be controlledby the RAF in Lincoln. Hopefully the same technologywill be taken up by Dominos so I can get my Pizzas a bit quicker.
The train was quite crowded and, a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular. "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
My wife works for an IT company, and she's recently blocked my computer from accessing any pornography. What she doesn't know is that I have a friend works in an IT department, so to get my own back on her I went round to his house this afternoon. And fucked his wife.
I found out today that I can fit eight ringed donuts around my erect penis. My girlfriend was so impressed when I stood up and showed her, then an old lady chased us out the cafe.
I've come to one of those Swiss suicide clinics and do you know what the bastards have given me for breakfast this morning?...... FUCKING CHEERIOS!!!!!
