My flatmate is a bit of a pussy. In fact, his favourite band is Write A Strongly Worded Letter Of Complaint Against The Machine.
Today's Anal sex awareness seminar will be hosted later than advertised. The front doors will be locked so you'll have to come around the back.
Yesterday I took the mother in law out for tea & biscuits. She wasn't too happy about having to give blood though.....
A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income. The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or problems. A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the client £100. She went back and informed the client at which he cried, "That's too much!" He then asked, "How much for a handjob?" She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much. The husband said "Ask for £40." The woman ran back and informed the client. He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that the man was well hung. She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again at which her husband asked "Now what?" The wife replied "Can I borrow £60?"
My wife tells me that she left me for two reasons. The first is I'm a compulsive liar, the second is my cock is too big.
One day while playing golf I accidentally overturned mygolf cart. Elizabeth, a very attractive and accomplished golfer, living in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay, what's your name?" "It's Mark, and I'm OK, thanks" I replied. "Mark, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and then I'll help you get the cart back on its wheels." "That's mighty nice of you," I answered "But I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on," she insisted. She was very pretty and persuasive. "Well okay," I finally agreed, yet added, "But my wife won't like it." After a restorative brandy and a brief sit in the shade, I thanked my hostess. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be very upset." "Don't be silly" Elizabeth said with a smile, "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Under the cart!" I replied....
Found a great way of getting rid of cellulite. I just went on a week long piss up with a few mates. Came home and the cellulite was gone.
I was out with my wife and I was feeling a bit horny when we saw two dogs shagging. "Do you fancy some that" I said to her. "Not for me dear, but when he has finished you go and knock yourself out."
Agood looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a moviestar." Tall, handsome and, with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, "What's your name?" The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian." The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get intoHollywood, you are going to have to change your name." "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old. I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever." The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years. You will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name, or I will not be able to represent you." "So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said,and he left the agent's office. Five years later the agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck. Who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed... "Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood and you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice. Sincerely, Dick van Dyke"
I keep getting these urges to commit suicide , so I went to the doctor , but he said it's something I'll just have to live with.
My young nephew asked me, "How much does it cost to get married?" I replied, "I don't know lad, I'm still paying for it..."
I've just finished watching a film called "The day the music died" Turns out it's about the life of Buddy Holly and nothing to do with Nicki Minaj getting a record deal.
Sex Survey An equal number of men & women were questioned in a sex survey: 10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date. 20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place. 36% of the women favour nudity. 45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes. 46% of the women experienced anal sex. 70% of the women prefer sex in the morning. 80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations. 90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest. 99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office. Conclusion: Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day. Moral: Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!
My wife asked me to stand up at her mother's funeral and say something profound. It was shortly after this that I realised I didn't understand the difference between 'profound' and 'profane'.
