Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the wardrobe, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's arse and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep."
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a splint out of two matches. His little face lit up! So did the rest of him. I'd forgotten I'd lined his cage with sandpaper.
Police have said that the 300 Wolverhampton Wanderers fans that invaded the pitch on saturday after the 2-1 loss to Burnley will all be handed 5 year bans. So far 14,000 have handed thereselves in!!
I played 'lottery' with the wife in bed last night, I released the balls and there was a rollover.......
I rang Babestation last night and the girl said "Hi how can i help?" I said "fuckin hide! I've lost the remote & my wife is coming down the stairs"
"When might we take the kids to Disneyland?" the wife asked me a few weeks ago. I thought about it, and replied, "May." It's been a blast watching her pack, and the kids getting excited. All I did was correct her grammar.
Despite suffering from tourettes I've managed to get myself a job in a warehouse I drive the cuntybollocks fucklift
So they found female DNA on one of the Boston Marathon bombs... Of course they did... Pressure cookers come from the kitchen don't they?!
Doctors have warned that up to a thousand people in Britain might still die from the human form of Mad Cow Disease. Don't these guys watch the news? The panic's over. No-one in Britain has ever actually eaten cow meat.
Jose Mourhino wants to be somewhere he is loved. Blackpool have offered him a contract that includes unlimited access to the hall of mirrors.
THE FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE 1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Ferrari than on a bicycle. 2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name. 3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again. 4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them. 5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk. AND A BONUS RULE: Condoms do not guarantee safe sex, a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by her husband.
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if the store carries extra-large condoms. “Yes we do,” he says. “Would you like to buy some?” “No,” she replies. “But do you mind if I wait around until someone does?”
