It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs. I'm not falling for it, I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
I said to my wife, "How would you define 'Epic'?" "Well," she replied, "you know when we come home from the pub and we're so intoxicated we rip each others clothes off and have it there and then?" "Yes!" I replied. "Well imagine the total opposite of that."
As I walked through the front door from work eating a mars bar, my wife had a face on her. "Don't eat that" she snapped, "You'll spoil your tea." "Bollocks" I said, "You'll have already done that."
Two Tongans, two Maoris, two South Africans, and a Samoan walk into a bar, and the barman says, "well done on your selection for the British & Irish Lions tour to OZ lads".
My mate just hired a cleaner from eastern Europe, took her 5 hours to vacuum the house. Turns out she was a Slovak...
After a successful career in tennis John McEnroe has decided that he want's to become an overseas ambassador for the U.S. However due the current political situation he has been told "You cannot be Syria's"
Just come down from a really great hallucinogenic experience from some drugs I was recommended on the internet. Thanks Trip Advisor !
My wife just aid to me, "Look at this, I've had this since we married 30 years ago and it still fits me!" I said, "Feck off fatty, it's a scarf.."
Some bloke left his phone on the table in the pub last night, so while he wasn't looking, I quickly picked it up and started to walk out. Suddenly the landlord rushed over to block me from the exit and said, "What the hell do you think you're doing, pal?" "I don't know what you're talking about." I replied. "Yeah right," he said, "Put the fucking table back."
I was standing in a pub when the guy next to me sobbed, "I've been living in a tatty house with no wallpaper for three years now." The guy standing next to him said, "You're lucky, mate. I've been homeless for three years now." I said, "You're both lucky compared to me." "Why is that, pal?" asked the first guy. I said, "I've got to stand here listening to you two bastards"
Just read that statistic that 1 in 2 long term smokers die and so i decided to take up smoking myself Fuck it, there's a 50% chance I'll become immortal.
