When I found out my son was born deaf, dumb and blind, I did what any responsible parent would do. I registered him for the World Pinball Championships.
The Metropolitan Police are baffled after authorities at Wembley opened the stadium this morning to discover that 70,000 seats had towels on them...!!
Bill Roach, Michael LeVell, Jim Davidson, Rolf Harris, Stuart Hall and Freddie Starr..you've got to admit,the prison panto is looking good this year !
Duck walks into a pub and says to the barman, "Pint and a Scottish egg please". Barman shocked said "Christ a talking duck, where did you come from?" Duck replies "The building site over the road, now please be quick, i'm on my lunch break" Pulling the pint, the barman says, "With a talent like that you should be in a circus." Duck replies, "What the fuck would a circus want with a bricklayer"
My blonde daughter told me, "I've got an exam on political philosophy tomorrow. And I don't think I'm going to do well." "Well I know Karl Marx," I replied. "Well tell him if he gives me a good grade, I'll give him a blow job."
"Last night," I heard my wife telling her sister, "We made love for so long that he had to lie in the bath for an hour because he hurt his back." In reality, I banged her bucket fanny for ages and felt nothing, so I went for a wash and a wank.
I said to my mate, "I was at a club last night and I got 3 numbers." He said, "That's good!" I said, "Not really. She wouldn't give me the other 8."
Its hard saying the right thing as a policeman. I've just been officially reprimanded for trying to comfort the mother of the victim with........ "We would have come earlier, but she wasn't dead then".
I spotted a chav with a fag in one hand and her baby in the other earlier, so I threw her a bottle of vodka. Hardest decision of her life.
I've been after a promotion at work for the last few weeks so I decided to butter up my boss, "What are you doing?" He said, as I opened the tub of Flora...
My wife thought she was being funny today when I took out my wallet to pay for something. "God, that hasn't seen the light of day for a while," she said smirking, "Watch out for moths!" "I would," I replied, "But they're all having a much nicer time up your fanny."
Freddie Starr, Dave-Lee-Travis, Max Clifford and Stuart Hall have joined forces to form a new boy band sponsored by viagra. 'ONE ERECTION' will be releasing 'sweet child of mine' just in time for xmas.
A Spanish tourist was wrongly arrested yesterday by a dyslexic police officer. Jimmy from Seville has now been released without charge.
Insulated the loft today & found a box with a christmas present we forgot to give the kids. Shame, they would have liked a kitten....
Q. Why do nurses & doctors slap the bottoms of new born babies? A. To knock the penises off the gobby ones.
