March 2013 - Bill Roach, the actor best known for playing Ken Barlow in Coronation Street, says in a TV interview that victims of child sex abuse bring it on themselves. May 2013 - Roach is arrested on suspicion of raping a girl aged 15. Karma, I'd like to congratulate you on your efficiency.
George Phillips of Grand Falls, Newfoundland, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he had left the light on in the garden shed which she could see from their bedroom window. George proceeded to the back door to go outside to turn the light off but immediately saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He immediately telephoned the police and told them that there were burglars in his shed. The officer asked, "Is there a burglar in your house?" George replied, "No." The officer then said that all the patrols were busy and that George should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said ok and hung up the phone. He counted to 30 and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were burglars in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all." And he hung up. Within five minutes, three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them?" George replied, "I thought you said there was no one available?"
I've been to a few of these 3D films now and they're shit. It seems I'm the only one that's bothered about the crappy picture quality. Everyone else is too interested in looking trendy in their shades.
A man visited his bank manager and said, "How do I start a small business?" The manager replied, "Start a large one and wait six months."
A neighbour asked me to keep an eye on his family while he is away and report any unusual events. So I rang and said "Dave, I have something unusual to report. The guy who comes to your house to shag your wife when you were away was wearing a scarf today.............. It's over 20 degrees."
You've heard the expression "Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen" If that were true wouldn't the Jews absolutely adore the Germans?
My friend Levi is an Orthodox Jew, whereas his brother isn't. He's completely Unorthodox. He's got a small nose and always buys a round in the pub.
I had to deck a homeless bloke outside the tube station this morning. I mean, my girlfriend may have put on a little weight, but that's no reason for a complete stranger to start shouting "Biggish Sue" at her!
My uncle would always say, "Pick a card. Any card". He was the most impatient Clinton's employee ever.
I was having a great night down at the pub, playing darts and drinking lots, when a mate of mine came in. "Why aren't you at home, shagging your beautiful wife?", he asked. "Why aren't you?", I replied. "Because I didn't know you'd be here".
For some reason, the first thing I thought of was Monicagate and I was confused. Then I twigged the card shop.
It's becoming so much harder to spot the difference between the New Year's Honours List & the Sex Offenders List..
In an effort to lose weight, I've been eating nothing but salt. So far this diet has been plain saline.
