I was having a wank when my wife said, "I want your cum in my mouth." So I ejaculated into a sock and stuffed it down her throat.
I was chatting to an Essex girl in the pub last night. At the end of the evening we ended up back at her place. The second we were through the door she dragged me into her bed. When I woke up this morning I had a lovely sun tan.
At a job interview yesterday the MD said to me, "Why do you think I should give you this job?" I said, "Because my best mate Dave works in your IT department, and he's told me you're shagging your secretary."
I'm looking to start up my own business, recycling discarded chewing gum. Just need help getting it off the ground.
I went speed dating last night. Halfway through the night I was surprised to sit down in front of my first love. We had a great time together in college, and she was gorgeous back then, but time has taken its toll. She's now an ugly fucker, and it seemed she didn't fancy me either. There was no chemistry at all. There were a couple of minutes of silence before I smiled and said, "Well, this is awkward..." "It is, isn't it?" she replied. "Is there anything you'd like to ask me?" I thought for a few seconds before saying, "Can we have egg and chips for tea tomorrow?"
So Cameron wants carers to have the responsibility of looking after more children... David, tell us the story of your daughter and the pub lunch...
My mate's overbearing ex-wife kept their swanky new Audi for her own use & forced him to drive their 20-year old Ford Escort. He dumped her for continually giving him the runaround.
"Unexpected item in bagging area." Words that are fine to hear in Tesco. But not what any man wants to hear from his doctor.
The wife told me I never do anything around the house. So I built her a moat. No pleasing her at all.....
Ed Miliband says he is going to turn the country around. But Im not sure that making Aberdeen closer to France is a big vote winner.
To the couple with the five screaming kids in the supermarket. If you're wondering how a box of condoms got in your trolly? You're welcome.
I took my pet hamster to the vet because it stopped breathing. "Well where is the hamster?" asked the vet. "Well," I said, "Do you have an x-ray machine?"
Went into a restaurant, looked down the menu and said to the waitress "i'll have the Pissoles, please". She said "what". I said "the Pissoles - they're on the menu". She took a squint at the menu and said "oh, that's a typo, it should begin with an "R". "OK" I said, I'll have the Arseholes then
My mate took his Grandad to one of those fancy health spa places, where tiny little fish eat all the dead skin. It cost him £35, but it was a lot cheaper than a funeral.
