A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy. Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it. The Chemist holds it up and eyes it critically. "How much to repair it?" The Scot asks the Chemist. "Six pence" says the Chemist. "How much for a new one?" "Ten pence" says the Chemist. The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging. A moment or two later the Chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout. The Scottish soldier marches back into the Chemist’s and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face. "The regiment has taken a vote," he says. "We'll have a new one."
Pregnant Kim Kardashian is moaning in a magazine, "Nothing looks good on me" I disagree. A grand piano dropped from a considerable height would.
As my wife looked at herself in the mirror, she frowned. "If I start letting myself go, you will tell, me won't you?" she asked. "I could never do that," I replied. "Awwww, because you wouldn't want to hurt my feelings?" She smiled. "No," I said. "Because it's far too fucking late."
[TABLE] [TR] [TD]After having a good shit, I sprayed my aftershave to cover up the smell. Now my bathroom just smells like a turd is getting ready for a night out. [/TD] [TD="width: 95, align: right"] [/TD] [/TR] [/TABLE]
I hate it when you're drying between your arse cheeks with a towel and you get a skid mark on ıt. It happened to me today. So I put the towel back while my wife wasn't looking, grabbed another one and took it to the checkout.
"Right children" said the teacher, "I want you to use the word 'area' in a sentence." Little Chloe said. "In maths, length times width equals area." "Excellent. Next one please Tommy." "Every day, an area the size of Wales is destroyed in the rainforest" said Tommy. "Very good. Last one, Johnny, your turn." Johnny said. "Since my sister turned 13, her fanny's got much area."
Bought the wife a bag and belt set for her birthday. She doesn't like them, but the hoover has never worked so well.
First my wife said she had lost her lipstick, then she couldn't find her mascara and now she's looking for her blusher. I wish she would mind her bloody make up.
I was playing a trumpet outside Asda earlier when an elderly lady approached me and said, "That's excellent, especially with no sheet music. Do you always play by ear?" "No," I said, "I'll be outside Tesco tomorrow."
My mate said to me: "Are you still seeing that girl?" "No, she bled to death from gonorrhoea." "You don't bleed to death from gonorrhoea." "You do if you give it to me." I replied.
My next door neighbour has just confronted me about clothes missing from his washing line, i almost shit his pants
The BBC has today announced that it is to launch an investigation to find out why children in the sixties and seventies were just so damned sexy.
My wife and I are trying for a baby and we both really want a girl. So when having sex, we always use son block.
Breaking News: France and Italy have taken the nuclear threat on board and have both surrendered to North Korea.
"Have you ever seen a twenty pound note all crumpled up?" asked my wife. "No," I said. She gave me a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note. "Have you ever seen a fifty pound note all crumpled up?" she asked. "No," I said. She gave me another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note. "Now," she said, "have you ever seen 30,000 pounds all crumpled up?" "No," I said, intrigued. "Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."
A girl calls her Mother, "Mum, I'm getting a divorce." "A divorce? Why?" the mother asks, shocked. "Mum, all he wants is anal sex, I used to have a lovely little arsehole the size of a 5p piece. Now it's the size of a 50p piece". The mother replies, "Sweetie, you have a lovely Porsche, a platinum credit card, a villa in Barcelona, kids in private school, and 6 holidays a year. Do you really want to give all that up for the sake of 45p?"
