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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. Loving this beautiful weather.

    I'm applying sun tan lotion to Holly Willoughby for £20 an hour.




    It's not a fortune - but it's all I could afford...........!!
     
    #241 Rudolph Hart, May 24, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  2. Thought I heard the ghost of Robin Gibb in my herb garden.

    But when I went to check it was just the chive talking......
     
    #242 stickywicket, May 26, 2012
    • Like Like x 2
  3. People who complain about Robin Gibb jokes should calm down.


    It's only words.
     
    #243 Rudolph Hart, May 26, 2012
  4. One of my colleagues used to be a banker. But he lost interest.
     
    #244 Rudolph Hart, May 28, 2012
  5. What’s the difference between religion and beer?
    10. No one will kill you for not drinking beer.
    9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
    8. Beer has never caused a major war.
    7. They don't force beer on kids.
    6. When you have beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
    5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of beer.
    4. You don't have to wait 2,000 years for a second beer.
    3. There are laws saying that beer labels can't lie.
    2. You can prove beer actually exists.
    1. If you have devoted your life to beer, there are groups to help you stop    .
    Cheers!
     
    #245 Pete1950, May 28, 2012
    Last edited: May 28, 2012
    • Like Like x 4
  6. My grandson got lost at the shopping mall.
    He approached a security guard and said, “I’ve lost my grandpa”
    The guard asked “what’s his name”?... “Grandpa” he said.
    Ok then “what’s he like?”…the little tyke hesitated and then said “….Royal Crown whiskey and ladies with big tits”
     
    #246 chickenman, May 29, 2012
    • Like Like x 2
  7. A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the Maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait.
    "Would you like to wait in the bar, Sir?", he says.
    The man goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What you like Sir?"
    The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."
    The bartender pauses for a few seconds, then smiles and says,
    "Once upon time, there were FOUR little peegs . . . "
     
    #247 Rudolph Hart, May 29, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  8. Q. Why don't blind men skydive?


    A. Because it scares the shit out of the dog
     
    #248 Rudolph Hart, May 29, 2012
    Last edited: May 30, 2012

  9. Had to think about that one for a mo. LOL
     
    #249 Ghost, May 29, 2012
  10. Be Very Careful in Thailand

    BE VERY CAREFUL IN THAILAND

    Just got back from a holiday in Thailand, and came that close to shaggin' a ladyboy.

    Looked like a woman, spoke like a woman, walked like a woman and kissed like a woman.

    It was only when she drove me back to her place and reversed into a narrow parking space in the dark, with no problem.
    I thought....."Hang on, just a minute!"
     
    #250 Rudolph Hart, May 30, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  11. Why does shit happen?
    If you’re Catholic, shit happens because you've sinned.
    If you’re Protestant, shit happens because you didn’t work hard enough.
    If you’re Muslim, shit happens because it’s the will of Allah.
    If you’re Jewish, you ask: Why does this shit always happen to us?
    If you’re Buddhist, if shit happens it cannot really be shit.
    If you’re Hindu, this shit has all happened before.
    If you’re Agnostic, maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn’t.
    If you’re Atheist, no shit.
    Amen!
     
    #251 Pete1950, May 30, 2012
    • Like Like x 2
  12. ...and if you're a Rasta, you can just smoke that sh!t :cool:
     
    #252 Littlebert, May 30, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  13. An elderly gent walks into the chemist and asks if the Viagra pills are any good. “Yes” replies the pharmacist “we sell a lot of them.”
    “And can you get it over the counter?” enquires the old fellow.
    “Not with one pill” replied the chemist “but if you take two or three you will."
     
    #253 Rudolph Hart, May 31, 2012
    • Like Like x 3
  14. Why do farts smell?

    For the benefit of the deaf.
     
    #254 Pete1950, Jun 1, 2012
  15. Two Thai girls asked me if I`d like to go to bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery.
    I agreed and boy, were they right.
    We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls.
     
    #255 Pierre 66, Jun 1, 2012
    • Like Like x 2
  16. Gave the girlfriend an amazing orgasm last night.............. Ungrateful cow spat it out..... :rolleyes: I thank you...:biggrin:
     
    #256 Nelson, Jun 1, 2012
    • Like Like x 4
  17. A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey, I've been asked to go
    fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be
    gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion
    I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week
    and set out my rod and fishing box. We're Leaving from the office & I
    will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! and please pack my new
    blue silk pyjamas."

    The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is,
    did exactly what her husband asked.
    The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking
    good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
    He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But
    why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to?"

    You'll love the answer...



    The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box ..."
     
    #257 Rudolph Hart, Jun 2, 2012
  18. Ill never forget the last thing my dear old nan said just before she died....."PUT THAT FUCKIN HAMMER DOWN !!!"
     
    #258 749si, Jun 2, 2012
    • Like Like x 2
  19. Racial stereotype alert!
    Love-making habits of Europe

    The French - average six times per week, once per day except for Sunday.
    The Italians - eight times per week, once per day but twice on Sunday.
    The Germans - ten times per week. All on the Monday.
    The English - twelve times. Once in January, once in February ...

    Yeah, it's an oldie but it's my favourite joke of all time :biggrin:
     
    #259 Loz, Jun 2, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  20. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
     
    #260 749si, Jun 3, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
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