My wife's just texted me giving me the go ahead to go out after work, get pissed with my mates and finish off with a curry before finally heading home. The actual text read "My Mum's coming for tea."
I've just read that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. What sort of weird fucker is the one that enjoys it?
My wife is a bossy house proud bitch. She's said under no circumstances can I have a pet dog Well I've just poked both my eyes out. I'll show her who's getting a dog................and a fucking free one too!
Typical! I made myself 4 hot drinks, then I dropped the coffee, spilt the espresso and lost the hot chocolate. That's me down to a tea!
The wife & I had an Indian last night, we had curried Pelican. It was the best curry I've ever had, but the bill was enormous.
Fernando Torres becomes the first man ever to win the Champions League, Europa League, Euro Championships and World Cup. Whilst John Terry is the first man to hold the Europa League, Champions League, Ryder Cup, Superbowl and American presidency all at once.
Brothels in Amsterdam are tonight offering a "Chelsea" service ................which involves a prostitute pissing all over you for 89 minutes
I bet John Terry is glad Chelsea won, he would have looked out of place lifting the trophy with the Benfica team
John Terry has not played in yet another European Final but there he is yet again, Chelsea kit on ready to collect the cup I bet the fucker turns up to collect my son's 25 meter doggy paddle certificate.
I was walking down the street in Glasgow when a couple of guys shoved me up against a wall. One said, 'Here, you. Are you a Catholic or a Protestant?' I replied, 'Actually I'm a Buddhist.' He said, 'Aye, but are ye a Catholic Buddhist or a Protestant Buddhist?'
I've got a little tub that I keep my drugs in. No customs officer is going to anally search an eight year old fat kid.
The electricity company called me and said, 'The meter readings you provided us with seem to be suspiciously low.' I said, 'Yeah, I've never read the meter. I have a system where I just decide beforehand how much I feel like paying, then work out the figures to suit.' 'Sir, you can't do that!' they said. I replied, 'Well, it's a system that seems to work all right for you cnuts.'
Just saw a sign saying 'Baby Booties £5' I wasn't sure if I was in Mothercare or a strip club for Paedophiles.
The papers report "Angelina Jolie didn't tell her father Jon Voight about her double mastectomy - he found out on the internet". Why was he googling his daughters tits ?
"There's a saIesman at the door with two young blonde women," Said my wife this morning. "Excellent!" I said, "Tell him I'll have one."
"You really need to stop using football cliches all the time." said my wife, angrily. "Back off Annette," I warned her.
