"Isn't it about time you phoned your mate?" Said the wife yesterday. "The American one. You've not spoke to him in ages." "I don't want to disturb him." I replied, looking at my watch. "He's going to be eating." "Oh, is it teatime in Florida?" She asked. "No."
"Do you ever think about somebody else when we're making love?" My wife asked. "No." I replied. "It's always been your sister."
After signing a one year contract with Chelsea, Frank Lampard has said he is looking forward to working with the next 3 or 4 Chelsea managers.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me why there is no damned money in it.
When someone pisses you off, just keep calm and count to 10. But smack them in the face at about 8 - They won't expect it.
My wife and I have tried everything but we've finally accepted that adoption is our only choice. Let someone else deal with the little fuckers.
Paddy's text to Murphy "the wife's not in this evening so poker at mine tonight" Murphy's text to Paddy "i know, she's at my house i'll give her one here".
A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. The pain was so intense that the decided to return to the clubhouse for help. Her pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "What's wrong?" "I was stung by a bee," she replied. "Where?" He asked. She said, "Between the first and second hole." He nodded knowingly and said, "Your stance is too wide."
After Angelina Jolie's actions to prevent cancer a lot of celebrities have copied her. Like Susan Boyle, who's had her testicles removed.
As I watched my daughter walking towards me down the aisle, I felt sad that she was no longer my little girl anymore. You should have seen what the fat cow had in her trolley.
Due to a food shortage, people in a poor town in China have been eating rodents. A lot of them have gone down with mousey tongue.
My girlfriend said to me " I don't know what I would do if you ever dumped me" I said "It depends on where I dump you, but my bet is, you would drown"
I went out with the lads last night, had a skin full of beer and a curry. When I got in I slept like a baby. In the morning my pillow was covered in dribble and I'd shit myself.
The police officer investigating the crash, that has injured George Michael has said "we believe the car in the middle lane, that drove into the side of Mr. Michael's car. Was being driven while the driver was eating a chocolate bar. We believe this to be a careless wispa!!".
