The village newsagent has been busy. There's a box on the counter that says '2013 Diaries'... I counted them and there was only 17 left!
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt . Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, fuck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!
For those who haven't heard: New Zealand just passed both laws - gay marriage and legalized marijuana. The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says, "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned." We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!
Phone rings, woman answers The pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?" Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching the football - who shall I say is calling?"
After 1 pint I was an absolute mess. I threw up down my shirt, tried to finger this old lady, before shitting myself and falling asleep in the corner. The nurses said that isn't a normal reaction to giving blood.
At 3 months pregnant a woman falls into a coma, 6 months later she awakens and asks the doctor about her baby. Doctor: "You had twins, a boy and a girl and they are both fine. Luckily your brother named them for you." Woman:" Oh no, not my brother! He's is an idiot! What did he name the girl?" Doctor: "Denise." Woman: "Well that isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy?" Doctor: "Denephew."
Just so people don't think I'm strange going to the park on my own, I always carry a bag of dogshit with me at all times.
I saved an absolute fortune on my new extension by employing a total fuck-wit from the pub with no experience to do the building work for £1,000 in cash up-front......... Then I called 'Cowboy Builders from Hell' at the BBC and got them to come around and do the work properly compliments of the TV licence fee payer.
After a messy divorce, my mate says he's looking for a woman who can make his dick hard - not his life.
