There were three babies in a woman's womb, and they were discussing what they would like to be when they were out in the world and grown up. The first one said "I want be a plumber." The others laughed at this, and asked why he wanted be be a plumber. He replied, "So I can fix the pipes in here, it's kind of leaky." The second one said "I want to be an electrician." The others thought this was kind of silly too and asked why. The second baby answered, "So I can get some lights in here, its dark!" The third one said, "I want to be a boxer." The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full five minutes, before asking, "Why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?" He replied, "So," he said proudly, "I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us."
My mate has been seeing a girl who insists on wearing gloves, football boots and shin pads every time they have sex. He reckons this one's a keeper.......
If your wife ever asks why you don't wake up with an erection.... Just tell her she's the woman of your dreams.
I saw a sign at a local restaurant saying, "Dads eat for free on Father's Day", so I booked a table for me and my old man. I've got a kid too, so they'll be getting fuck all money from us.
So I was at a boot fair and the bloke said, "look at this, second hand, lovely condition." I said, "that's nice but where's the rest of the clock?"
Like El T....I also go to the park...... .............I like to watch all the kids and people jumping and running around.............. .....well, they don't know I'm using blanks.... AL
When I was in the army, I had to go to camouflage lectures.............. .......but I was put on a charge for not being seen.
Sixty years ago today Sir Edmund Hillary and Sherpa Tenzing Norgay became the first two climbers to reach the summit of Everest. John Terry met them saying, "What kept you?"
I met my wife on one of those dodgy local dating websites, Which was strange because I thought she was downstairs watching Eastenders at the time...
[TABLE="width: 100%"] [TR] [TD]Paddy and Mick ( jeezus, these 2 guys get some stick ) were discussing Xmas and Paddy says, Do you know that Xmas falls on a Friday this year Mick. No, replied Mick, But I hope it's not the 13th... that would be terrible bad luck. [/TD] [/TR] [/TABLE]
[TABLE="width: 100%"] [TR] [TD]"G'day mate, Fosters helpline. What's the problem mate?" "I'm in Australia for a few weeks with the girlfriend and she's been stung on the minge by a hornet, and now her fanny has completely closed up" "Bummer mate" "Thank's That's what I thought too mate, bye" [/TD] [/TR] [/TABLE]
[TABLE="width: 100%"] [TR] [TD]My wife came home to find me in the kitchen cooking a lovely dinner, candlelit table and place settings for two. "Oh this is a surprise," she said. "Too fucking right it is," I replied, "I didn't expect you back till Monday night!."[/TD] [/TR] [/TABLE]
[TABLE="width: 100%"] [TR] [TD]48 cans of Red Bull stolen from the Asda, Govan how do these people sleep at night...[/TD] [/TR] [/TABLE]
[TABLE="width: 100%"] [TR] [TD]Two weans wir sitting in their cots, whin wan wean shouted tae the uther, “Ur you a wee lassy Ur a wee boy?” A don’t know,” replied the uther wean gigglin. ”Whit dae you mean, yi don’t know?” said the furst wean. “A mean a don’t know how tae tell the difference,” wis the reply. Well, a dae,” said the furst wean chuckling. “Al climb intae yirr cot and fun oot. ” He carefully climbed intae the uther weans cot, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. Efter a couple a minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin oan his face. “Yir a wee lassy, and I’m a wee boy,” he said proudly. “Yir awfy clever,” cooed the wee lassy, “but how can yi tell?” It’s quite easy really,” replied the baby boy.... “You’ve goat pink soaks av goat blue wans.” :biggrin:[/TD] [/TR] [/TABLE]
A nun gets into a cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. Finally, the cabbie says, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you." "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything." "Well, I've always had a fantasy about a nun performing oral sex on me." "Well, first, you have to be single, and then you must also be Catholic." The cab driver says, "Yes, I am single, and I'm Catholic, too!" The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley." He does, and the nun fulfills his. When they get back on the road, the cab driver starts weeping. "My dear child, why are you crying?" "Forgive me, sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess -- I'm married and I'm Jewish." "That's OK," says the nun. "My name is Stevie, and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
A drunk girl staggered up to me in the street last night and said, "Can I pinch a cigarette from you, please?" "Show me your tits and then ask me the question again." I replied. So she lifted up her top and bra and said, "Can I pinch a cigarette from you, please?" "Sorry, luv. I don't smoke."
23 people have been found glued to the ceiling,walls and floor of a train in dublin. police belive irish terrorists have set off the firstever no more nails bomb
