Joke Page

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

 

[TABLE="class: OT"]
[TR="class: top"]
[TD="width: 80%"]My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
[/TD]
[TD="class: tend"]
[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR="class: tip"]
[TH][/TH]
[TD="width: 80%"]
[/TD]
[TD="class: tend"]

[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR="class: top"]
[TH][/TH]
[TD="width: 80%"][/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

 

I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.

 

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

 

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."


I do enjoy a nice quiet night shift (thats not a joke by the way)

 

Who was the first to see a cow and think "I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?"

 

the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

 

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Thats the last one......I thang yor

 

ok one more then :biggrin:

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

 

Make that two !!!

I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandpit the cat kept covering me up.

 

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale ‘ He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
‘You talk?’ he asks.
‘Yep,’ the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ‘So,what’s your story?’
The Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.’ ‘I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down.. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.’ ‘I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired..’
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.
‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’
‘Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that shit.

 

[FONT=&quot]An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.

'Twenty pounds' she whispers.

Paddy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty pounds. So they hid in the bushes.

They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a Police Officer.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the cop

'I'm fecking me wife!,' Paddy answers sounding annoyed-[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know'

'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!!'[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]

 

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a Funeral Director to play at a graveside service for a homeless
man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's cemetery in the back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the graveside and looked down and saw that the vault lid
was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low and my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
"I've never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

 

The wife said to me "you need to get a haircut soon"

I thought "Oh, not another summer barber queue"