I still remember the first time I had sex, I was terrified. The girl said, "Have you got any Protection?" I said, "Why? What the fuck are you going to do to me?"
I'm not saying she was a slut, but if cocks had wings her mouth would have been designated an airport
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"
Dave was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to," his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
I'm at the bar having just bought a round for my mates Paddy, Nigel and Jethro. There's a fine wine between Guinness and Magners.
President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad called up President Barack Obama: "Mr. Obama, I had a wonderful dream last night. I was able to see the whole of the United States of America and there was a flag flying on the roof of every house." "Well, that's nice, Mr. Ahmadinejad," said Obama. "What was on the flags?" "Allah is God, God is Allah," said Ahmadinejad. "Hey, I'm really glad you called," said Obama. "I had a similar dream recently in which I saw the whole of the Iranian Republic with lush, fertile fields, a happy, satisfied population living in peace and prosperity, and large banners waving everywhere." "And what was on these banners?" asked Ahmadinejad. "I don't know," said Obama. "I can't read Hebrew."
Newsflash: US President Barack Obama is planning a visit to Camp David. Or Mr Cameron as he's known in the UK.
Q. What is the difference between girls/women aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78? At 8: You take her to bed and tell her a story. At 18: You tell her a story and take her to bed. At 28: You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed. At 38: She tells you a story and takes you to bed. At 48: She tells you a story to avoid going to bed. At 58: You stay in bed to avoid her story. At 68: If you take her to bed, that'll be a story! At 78: What story? What bed? Who the hell are you?
My youngest brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia and I supposed he needed some cheering up. So I hugged him and then whispered 'You are not alone'.
On Monday I said to my boss, "I have a dentist's appointment this afternoon. Can I leave at 2.30 and make up the time later in the week?" "No problem," he said. On Friday he pulled me up and said, "What's this? You've put on your timesheet that you finished at 5 o'clock on Monday." I replied, "I know, I told you I'd make the time up."
I was having lunch with a female colleague when I saw my wife come in. "It's my wife! I have to hide." I whispered. "Don't be silly, your wife can't possibly object to you having lunch with someone you work with" she said. "She can if she thinks I died in 1995".
Women are like iPhones: you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BlackBerry's: rub one ball and everything moves.
I never got why Margaret Thatcher was nicknamed 'The Iron Lady'. I mean, aren't all women supposed to iron?
My mate said, "I find around here the women are like buses." I said, "What, none come for ages then they all come at once?" He said, "No, they're all massive, and the whole of the council estate has ridden them."
You know some days you walk into a room and forget just what you went in there for? Probably why I lost my job as a Firefighter!
The ex and me finally worked out our differences for the kids sake yesterday The list was huge and they were amazed we'd ever got together
