One day Little Johnny's father decided to give Little Johnny a spelling test on common English names. He came up to Little Johnny and said "I'm going to give you a spelling test, son." Johnny loved spelling tests. He agreed. "OK, how do you spell "Thomas"? "T-H-O-M-A-S" "Yes, very good! How do you spell, Jennifer?" "J-E-N-N-I-F-E-R" "Well done, fantastic! And how do you spell, Theresa?" "S-L-U-T" "What? NO! That's not how you spell Theresa!" Little Johnny's father shouted, annoyed that his young son new such a word. Little Johnny replied innocently: "Oh sorry, I thought you said Tulisa."
A sequel to The Iron Lady in which Margaret Thatcher is haunted by the ghost of her husband is currently being filmed. The Phantom Denis will be released this summer.
One day, Little Johnny's teacher, Miss Figpot asked the class if they could name some things you can suck! "Ice cream, Miss!" Little Mary answered. "Good, Mary." Miss Figpot said, "Anyone else?" How about a lollipop!" said Steven. "Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!" The teacher said. Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, "A lamp!" The teacher and all of the students wondered about his answer. The teacher asked him, "Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?" Little Johnny answered,"Last night when I passed my parents room, I heard my mum say, turn off the lamp and let me suck it."
Cheer up Rebekah Brooks. Isn't prison a holiday home according to a certain newspaper you used to work for???
"How did your cat die?" "I accidently fed it dog food" "Really? That can kill a cat?" "Yeah, my dog goes fucking mental when anyone eats his food"
I came home early to find the wife sunbathing in the garden "Do me a favour babes, rustle me up a nice cocktail anything you like, surprise me?" she said.. So I went into the kitchen and mixed up my speciality, I even put a little umbrella and a cherry on top before handing it to her. "Fuck me that's strong, what's in this?" she questioned. "Vodka, and stuff" I replied "Christ I'm starting to get light headed already" she said "What gives it the blue colouring?" "Anti-freeze" I replied as she sipped her last.
My mother-in-law phoned me at work to remind me to get a present for my wife on our first wedding anniversary. "And, whatever you do," she said. "Make sure it's something that shows her exactly how much she means to you." So I bought her a peep-hole bra, crotchless knickers and a can of oven cleaner.
A man walked into a doctor's surgery with a carrot in his ear & a piece of celery up his bum. The doctor told him he wasn't eating properly.
After being ill for a week, my wife got a doctor to give me a home visit. As I woke from a sleep, the doctor was by my bed shaking his head. "I've been looking through your records Mr. Kay, and it doesn't look good" said the doctor. "Oh my god" I replied nervously. "Is it that bad doc?" "I'd say so" he said. "Earth, Wind and Fires greatest hits, Barbra Streisand, Barry Manilow. What the hell were you thinking when you bought these?"
I feel for Michael Douglas thinking he got cancer through cunnilingus. I'll never forget the time I thought it had given me a nosebleed.
My wife said that she takes everything I say to heart. If only that was true, I would say "Sword" over and over again.
Theresa May is claiming the new internet snooping laws will 'help trap killers like Ian Huntley '. Is it just me or shouldn't we be trying to catch killers who aren't in prison?
David Cameron, Boris Johnson, George Osborne and Theresa May walk into a bar. Who buys the drinks? We do.
"Surprise yourself - Visit Scotland" Marketing Language for: "Scotland - Probably not as shit as you think..."
My doctor is so skilled. How he's able to give me a prostate exam with both hands on my shoulders, I'll never know.
