I was in a restaurant with my girlfriend when, all of a sudden, I got down on one knee. "Oh Kevin," she cried. "I can't believe this is happening!" "Shut the fuck up," I said, peering over the table. "My wife's just walked in."
"What do we want?" "Equal rights for women." "When do we want it?" "As soon as she gets her fucking chores done."
My Dad told me to live each day as if it were my last. So I now go to nursing homes, watch Countdown and piss myself.
[FONT=Open Sans, Helvetica, sans-serif]My mate asked his girlfiend what his spunk tasted like. "Like your brother's." was not the answer he was hoping for...[/FONT]
The kids kicked their ball into the garden of the old man next door, and he stuck a knife in it before throwing it back. I returned the favour when his cat came into our garden.
Susan Boyle is helping the war against terrorism. Islamic terrorists now think twice about suicide bombing now they know what a real virgin looks like.
WOULD-BE criminals. Before you commit a crime, get a foretaste of what the world would look like from inside a prison by holding a fork up close to your eye.
BUSY EXECUTIVES. Don't buy a Dachshund. Their amusing sausage shape means they take 50% longer to stroke than other dogs, and time is money.
Since I put up a big sticker in my window saying "All my neighbours are bastards", none of them have spoken to me and they blank me in the street. Just goes to prove I'm right.
David Cameron has said that aid spending makes him proud to be British. In the same way spending my wifes housekeeping money in the pub makes me proud to be married.
Q. What's the difference between a telephone and a politician? A. You can hang up the phone when you chose the wrong person.
I really wish I knew who kicked the jack out from under the car I was working on. The suspension is killing me.
The mother in law is so fat she can't even get into her local chemist I think she's too big for her Boots.
I was sick of having no girlfriend and sitting alone every night masturbating to porn. So I found myself a lovely lady, woo'd her, got engaged, and finally married her. I regret it now though. It's annoying having to wait for her to fall asleep before I masturbate to porn.
